i used to feel like i could run to you and that you would be there for me no matter what
but that feeling ended when i said the word friend
it felt like i had somehow cut off your understanding of us
and it felt like you didn't want to have anything else to do with me
i wondered what had happened to my friend until i figured out
we had forgotten to write that chapter of our love

stars fall on my head every single night
shine me back to heartbroken glass from four years before
i walk home
i walk home
i walk home

who will take care of me when i come home?
wings scrape dusty concrete constructing a new place for me to rest my head
i fly high i fly high i fly high

bodies soon caress winds flighty and low
coming closer to heaven with every flash of known light
i love wild i love wild i love wild

words clash on unstoppable street corners
slamming up against strangers whose eyes never before looked
i pray loud
i pray loud
i pray loud

hands sing through the flames
firing off at the mouth busting veins with haste
i dance free
i dance free
i dance free

it's not the pale moon that excites me

i used to revel in your light
your shine used to blind me
brights in the dead of the night

i only ever wanted to be close to you
my only wish was my desire was my purpose
was my downfall

if you never wanted me why didn't you just tell me so
if all you ever wanted was for me to go
how could you let me hold on for so long
if you knew what i didn't know why did you lead me on

something like the promise of you
the wish of kissing you again
i had it in mind to lose it all
my peace and my mind

dear angel eyes
i ran into your memory and realized something
the look in your eyes is
not as much as it was before

i can't hold you here in this heart of mine anymore
can't want the nearness of you
can't debase me any longer
the thrill and delight of you vanished with the darkness of your light

so i'm gone, gone, gone
gone away

p.s./note to self
people seem to not like being grouped
or categorized
even by real standards of self
like height
or culture
or even things as definitive as age

i guess we're all heading or at least aiming
for something new and special
not unidentifiable, but not so predictable

i wonder is it because "predictable" carries wit it the stigma of being boring?
or because nobody wants to be known before they're really known?

i see--or understand both sides of the coin

sometimes though
i think commonality is cool
like the things that tie us together
or even the things that we remember are in turn the things that best help us define ourselves
so if i can better know what you remember of her
that comes up again in me maybe i'll understand you
and even me a little better down the road

and maybe on a day when you're particularly quiet
i can deduct the reason why

cause maybe in spite of myself i have become a reflexion of the parts of me
i never intended to be

what is this thing called/that makes me feel so tall/like i've gone to battle and conquered all/like...

when i'm driven to a reckless smile on the train
and everbody thinks i'm insane
your name popping up on my phone
somehow knowing you won't just leave me alone
a soft kiss on my shoulder blade
that sunny smile stuck in your face
your hand on my back--our mixed skin tones
a praise sent up to God for giving you to me on loan

i remember you on dayz like this
when i cd feel the rain before it touched my skin
when it was warm outside, warm within

i remember you on a day like this
when i wd come to you all overwhelmed
and you would give me open ears
and your bright wide smile
so before i cd even start to tell you my trouble
it wd already be gone and forgotten

i remember you on dayz like this
because even though we never said it--we never had to
i knew if i wanted to run away
you wd come with me

i remember seeing you and already knowing you
before i knew

i remember having words to say
and i remember when they fell from my mouth
you caught them in your open hands
and held them close
all the while crafting them into something
more beautiful that what i really said

i remember you
your brown skin and silent moments

i remember the wish in your eyes
of achieving the dreams you dared give birth and life

i remember you on dayz like this

love to remember it was you i loved
sometimes wonder who you
are
but
i remember you
on a day like this

i remember

when you left you lied
put my fears to use
helped me learn to cry
never told me why
never dried my eyes
don't know why but i
still care, still want you
to be somewhere
i can reach you, can touch you
nobody understands
how i can still love you
but i do

all i really wanted was some positive attention, good conversation, quality time, consistency
all the things i say i want you're giving to me
it's a surprise and blessing
these gifts, these memories
you bring me smiles that'll last a while
for real, you make me want to sing

written 6.12.07; 10:57am
i am the sun
i am a beautiful ray of light
i am rich
i am full
i am powerful
i am protected
i was put here for a purpose
i am loved and will be treasured and remembered
forever

you've got a smile stuck in your face
something so sweet can't be erased
(it) makes me lose my mind, leaving useless things behind
just a little thank you for my sunshine

at the swaddling age of twenty four
thirty eight men came knocking at my door

I write so as to simulate the potential of speaking out loud. I have silenced myself with words and hands and ink. What I love to do is less a passion and more an escape from the prison I’ve closed myself into.
When I fail myself and say not the words that come to mind in out loud moments, I sit down and write instead.
This is a freedom I exercise freely. Speech is too, but something reaches up and chokes my voice off from speaking my mind. And this is so far from who I am—this quiet unspoken thought. It comes from something like fear, but I haven’t been able to figure out what I fear.
I think a couple of the fears are of hurting someone else’s feelings and of remaining alone. A friend told me one time not to be afraid of losing something I don’t have. Good advice, but spoken by a man with a lady-friend.
Wisdom, I think, comes easy to those with tools of comfort in hand.
All the same, I am in hopes of losing this silence thing soon and very soon.

Prayers welcome.

This weekend talking to a friend he sounded bruised as he wondered out loud why I hadn’t sent him any myspace messages or called him recently. I was unmoved.

I thought to myself (without saying out loud) maybe it’s because I’m without the ability to feel right now. Maybe it’s because you were supposed to come over and didn’t, and didn’t call, and I wondered why you didn’t respond to me when I wanted to be answered.

And this is where I’m coming from today. Addressing my need to be answered, and responded to. Is that more than anyone can do right now? Is this life not one that can be stopped for just a moment here and there to pay attention to something as important as I hope I am?

rt9

do have the privilege of calling you whenever i want to?
for whatever i want to?

you say
you're easy
and i've been told i'm complex
but i know i'm not all that difficult to get
and what i can see already
and clear as day
is that what i need
might outweigh what you're offering up for sale
and i'm not buying

so we may have what people like to call
a conflict of interests
and perhaps
we'll be better off
as friends