(for you)

last night after we got off the phone, i admittedly called my friend back who had called me during the last five minutes of our conversation. as you know, i seek counsel in my friends. i told her about what i felt had been our awkward exchange and told her what i didn't tell you: that i don't think we're truly attracted to each other.

i think our recent interaction was one born of the situation at hand--closeness in a time that was rare. i explained my understanding of attraction as the knowing you have when you're around someone who is attracted to you and vice versa. it's something about the way you look in their eyes and they way they talk to you...it's a feeling; something you know just as well as i do because we are one in the same and we want the same things.
i don't feel like we want them from each other though. our friendship is so calm and peaceful and mostly perfect.
and something i just thought about and the reason i'm writing this now is the nost important thought i've had about the whole possibility you raised.

if we did ever try (again) to be us, for me, it would have to be a forever thing. because in that time i would know (or want to know) that we were completely meant to be. with someone like you who i think i know so well, i think the realization that i didn't know you so well would be really weird and somehow painful. and i think maybe i fear the reality of the chance that we may NOT be meant to be. and i don't want to have to face that, because i love you more than you'll ever know.

in this moment, it doesn't seem to me that we have all the essential elements of an everlasting love, or not in a deeper context than the one in which we now exist.

i do do do truly love you and would never even allow the chance to come that you not know that. these are my thoughts, my feelings, my fears.

i didn't want these words to go unsaid.