minus the rhyming scheme--back to bare bones honesty

so i watched beaches tonight
i think it's supposed to be every girl's favorite movie
tonight i became a girl

and just now
i think i decided that i am NOT ready for love
it kind of makes me want to cry just like i did at the end of beaches when the mother is so close to dying that you can see it weeping away from her
i don't think i watch enuf moving images
or am not surrounded enuf by the things that will affect me to the point that i will be moved enuf to create my own version of interpretation of life as i live it

how depressing

but now, i listen to india
tell us she is ready for love
my mother said i was in love with love
i am
what's next?
how do i move from here?
how do i move from this knowing of myself
that i am selfish
i am wounded in places i don't even know
i am silent when i should scream
i am sad when i am disappointed when i am let down when i am wanting to be wanted but am not wanted enuf
or am not shown in the way i think i ought to be shown

how do i move from here?
and why is it such a problem for me to say these things out loud and who can i say them to?
who of body AND spirit...
who of body and spirit and flesh can i tell these thoughts to?
is there a one?

and does it count if it's my girl?
if she understands me, am i simply preaching to the choir?

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just a few questions to the mini-masses on a saturday night dawning into sunday's goodness...