i [am] constantly find[ing] myself falling backwards into these things
i never/seldom get injured
i guess due to my good periphery
though have you ever noticed how glasses block vision sometimes in the process of refining it?

back to the future is usually my stance
trying to figure out all of what just happened
(often times 6 years before)
and life is flashing behind my back
going on and on
i don't see all the transmutations taking place

****

i have stopped one photo for another in a matter of weeks
all the time not knowing i had put myself back on the market of tangible potentially havable goods

maybe i should turn around and try dancing with today at a reasonable pace with open eyes
and open heart
put down my needles for just a moment
allow someone to come close without the threat of injury
or temporary-ness

i have a woken in my bed with a new stranger before
today is not so futuristic
eyes have opened in this way before
lips have this way been kissed previous to now
this night has told me no new stories
spoken in a familiar voice all my own

if you are your brother's keeper
who then will keep me from the temptation of my own wiles?
it is time for me to rise from who and what i have been and to realize
skin, thoughts, kisses that are full with something more
than momentary bliss

i don't know if we can be friends but i do know i won't take pieces of you
i didn't entrust you
never really trusted you, but i gave to you pieces of me
i wish you weren't so afraid and fearful
because i think maybe if you weren't so afraid neither would i be
and i think we could have gone farther
but we couldn't

so here we are

rt6

what can i do to get you to reach out to me more?

rt5

i need a verbal response to the thoughts i gave you
i am f(x) where x=response

RT 4
i love you through your words
when you speak to me

random thought 3

i cd stay between your kiss all day long
get stuck here
never again to see

random though 2
got my eyes on you
u got me in this compromising position
listening watching out for you
if you'll wait for me
i'll wait on you

i don't want to have 2 win you
i want you 2 choose me

38-end

There was this one week when I fell in and out of something like sunshine
Wednesday whole
Friday gone
And all (I think) because I think too much
And because I have trained myself to want for perfection—or God
--and not for perfection in you
but perfection towards me from you

so seldom is this the action plan:
to do for another what you would in theory have them do for you
but my hope lives on and on
so that one day
I won’t have to author a prose about falling in and then out of love

I will have fallen
And can’t get up

38-part deux

Or maybe your mother
Was just real sweet
And even passed
Some down the line
To you
So that on this
first really sunny
day of springtime
you would come to
give me a kiss
on the right cheek
with your cocoa
colored lips
soft and
best friend/
big brother dry-wet
like not

having a phone is
this thing I really
kind of expect from
whoever my lover
or loved will be
and less a phone
than potential
reach out and
touch ability
which I feel you
lack
even with your
age over mine
and life seemingly
quite established
or enuf to enjoy
fishing

oh I’m sorry
just got distracted
by changing trains
and the beautiful
polite Spaniard man
passing by
he waited
and then smiled
and looked back
and back
and back
and the only reason
I know is because
I looked back
And back
And back
But back to you
Something I know
Is that
Me doesn’t like it
When you say
You will but
You don’t

This ‘was supposed to
but didn’t’ especially
when paired with
an ‘I thought he
would but he didn’t
so we didn’t’
comes crashing down
inside of my brain
just like the
wood-grain blocks
of jenga
falling down
with immediacy
due to a lack of
adequate care
or effort to
keep things standing
and intact

so maybe your
mother, who
knits and crochets
by the way,
taught you
sweet and polite
and time has
shown you the
intrigue of the
remix

38 makes me write

I walked across a manhattan street today
coming from seeing you
teeth all out
cheeks raised
sun warmin me all over my body

and you
you came back to me
like the present memory you are
had me grabbing for my digi-cam
so I cd capture the things I see in and ‘round every single day
to pair ‘em up with the goodness you gave me

(you) talk slow
I don’t know how long my ears can take
hearing the same question voiced different by you
on a different day
Even if I do like the sound of your talk
I suppose
if exception is to be made this can be it
But how fast my mind does move when you’re in it
Around up
and through what could have
and always have been
not so sweet realizations by me of several others he’s

I’m kind of
leisurely crawling back
on my hands and knees
Cause I still don’t know how to walk
And yes
After 24 years
Falling into 25
You can still call me baby
And be right
Ahh me
But when you kissed me on my cheek
Thoughts came that put me to no certain shame
Cause you don’t bring me any kind of misery
Or ecstasy really
Thought if you want to…

I mean
I guess I’m saying
I don’t really mind repeating myself
as long as when I do I can look in your eyes
and find my little bit of sunshine to stand in

Midnight simplicity


it's simple really
my love for u
u make me smile
make my breath heavy

heaving i pull u close 2 me
and sigh when u lay your head where it's s'posed 2 b

i just happen 2 love u
near and close 2 me
often in spite of where u ought 2b

i prefer u w/ me

note #29
when i call you don't answer

and when i don't call you don't call either

i think of you all the time

used to hope you'd one day be mine

i realize at the time you had no clue who i was

that's why i put myself in the circle of your hug

got to know you through professional situations

found you way beyond imagination

where we've come is nowhere far

but quite close to where we are

you're this great man i know

perhaps i'm that former associate you sometimes hug for show

but whatever it is and whatever we will be

i know i love you

and at least i think you love me

note #17
sometimes
(and i find it an often sometimes)
i really prefer to not be around
people other than myself

especially following artistic expressions of someone else's self

i don't like having to explain myself
don't feel like i should have to
do not like feeling challenged
especially not for no good reason

and sometimes i dislike loud laughter
and don't like announcements

sometimes i just want to be alone

i could look at you all day long

i cd look at you all day long...

with my eyes open i see the face of a boy turned man too quick
eyes lost and found in a life waiting to be lived
set and still hoping for peace and passion

with my open eyes i see feet fast movin on stubborn concrete
trekking towards a something in the distance
getting nearer and nearer every day

i could look at you all day long and all day here is what i'd see

with my eyes closed i feel
lost and found like a fish outta water
throat closing while i'm hoping for water to find me again
so i can swim free

i see darkness opening wide
breaking with the newness of day
turning twisting and contorting as i wrestle with the reality that you are my sea

yes

eyes have these sounds before heard
lips have seen
arms have spoken these ballads i sing to you

when i look at you
i see me
and i don't have to worry about the possibility of bein free

i can just be me