teddy

warm and soft
always soft
and fuzzy maybe
but not too fuzzy
not fuzzy enough that he would shed in my bed
because it was still my bed

i've never been good at sharing
i have a sister and if she hates me because of it i couldn't argue or be upset

i'm not selfish though
i just am not good at sharing

not even with the teddy bear i bought myself after i realized i was not the girl who would receive gifts from men

grammar school and i was already making conclusions about the life i would live
how it would look and feel

and i just knew it wouldn't be full with teddy bears
at least not ones i didn't buy myself
no gifts for me

i had seen the gargantuan dog/stuffed animal (what do they stuff those big things with?!)
my friend had received from one of her boyfriends (VERY important distinction)

so i had very high expectations
not so much for that year
but yes, in life

they never realized
my expectations for stuffed animals i mean, not my actual obtaining of teddy bears (or stuffed animals--a much lesser distinction)
because i did indeed begin getting teddy bears, and other stuffed things
because i like the softness of them all
and the closeness they allow me
and i said to myself, "self, you are in control of your destiny. if YOU want teddy bears and stuffed animals, you better dig in those pockets of yours and keep yourself warm, cause ain't nobody gonna do for you what you can't do for yourself!"

i feel in control of my relationships with the stuffed lifelessness of them
i can bring them close or toss them around
if i don't agree with the way they are acting, i can forget about them for days--months even

i found my loving black dog underneath my bed after months of wondering, "now where is he?" but never really acting on my wonderment

i was alright alone
because i'm used to sleeping alone

and perhaps it all comes full circle
because once you get used to something that seems so foreign to the rest of creation you become unlike the rest
and your actions fall from the norm and become
taboo

not sweet as taboo
not sweet at all actually
more like lonely as taboo

this is my story
of how i became so self-sufficient

and how i walk around single
always
and maybe will
always

how i'm okay with it most of the time
don't think about it more than half the time, unless someone momentarily peaks my interest

until they fade away into the back rooms of my memory
disappear into wardrobes of my mind and become worlds i...may have one day known, but i'm not actually quite so sure whether they were really real or, "was that a dream??"

how things outside of myself really are all wonderfully soft, but honestly un- or at least underappreciated beautiful black teddy bear-like stuffed dogs that may one day resurface as a lost love of mine

and even when refound is still part of the past
only to be registered as such and thrown in a basket

so i can look at them and remember sometimes
and wonder, "now why didn't i do something more with them?"
or think, "sure would've been nice..."

as if it wasn't my own fault that the knocking of opportunity
that the warmth that could have been
and the wealth of softfeelings i would have garnered from just the chance to be close--even if momentarily awkward or uncomfortable--was lost to the time i sat around talking about all the should haves and could haves i could have had

Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence