I just found this among old emails when looking for the song "someone to love"
looks like i must have used one or most of those words in this piece SEVERAL times :)
this was something of an attempt at being my more open self
feel me--


I was walking down the street this morning after I got off the train and I realized something. First of all, I'm a liar (to myself…and sometimes to other people).

I point blame always away from myself, or I try to. And when it comes to relationships, I'm the master of blame. This is not a good thing.

The reason I started thinking as I was walking (among other reasons) was because right when I got out of the station, my phone started vibrating. And I thought--this couldn't be happening. Who could be texting me in the morning?

It was this guy from Howard I used to like/have a crush on, but who I didn't feel was willing to make himself available (in any way) to me. And I feel like that has happened so much with me. That I'm looking for people to open up to me, but what I realized is that maybe I have to first open up to them, or at least have that as an available option. And I haven't. But I want to.

Remembering how I always want someone who's willing to be really "open" or truly honest with me and how frustrating it was for me to see SO much potential and beauty in these people always killed me because to me, it seemed like vulnerability was the most beautiful thing to experience. Hard to access, but once you did it, you had truly felt--(I've watched lots of movies)--and feeling is like the ultimate. I DO want to be vulnerable and honest and feeling and I want to make the decision to do it and I think you're completely right about fear. It's a helluva drug.

So last night when you sensed (correctly, even though I wasn't aptly aware of it) that I was still being distant I was scared for being found out, scared that I'm waaay too apparent these days…

A whole lot of thoughts just started coming to me

I'm scared of needing someone--I don't even think I understand the concept/don't feel like I'm strong or useful enough to be needed--what could I do for someone in need?

But the most scary thought when we were sitting on the bench in Washington Sq. Park was that because I couldn't get my act together and f-ing let myself feel (though I didn’t know that or why I couldn't) I was about to lose this person in my life, who I don't want to lose. If I'm to lose you, I want it to be because while you're away you find someone who is THE ONE and you find your true happiness and fall in love not with possibility or potential, but with the real thing. Or I want it to be because you do something really bad so I can blame you. I know that sounds bad, but I couldn't imagine being the reason for losing someone as wonderful and funny and kind and warm-hearted and smart and human as you are and have been to me.

This morning when I got the text from my friend and started thinking about why he would call me, I thought: I wanted this guy to be "open" with me and got frustrated when he wouldn't. I've since met a guy with whom I haven't made myself fully available, and it was like I was holding up a mirror and thinking to myself: arin, you are stupid! And I don't really like to be stupid, so I want to be smart. About you and about me/us.

I like you so much and I really want to fully enjoy being around you. I don't know if "taking things slow" is an option, but if it is and you can stand me, I would like to spend lots of time with you (so we can do things I've written down on paper I won't show you) and really feel like I got to know at least parts of you in a non-rushed way. I don't know if that's possible, but let me know.

At the end of the day, after all is said and done, and all that jazz…in this moment, I can say to God and whoever else is listening that I am so SO thankful to have you around me helping me learn more about myself and about you. I don't want to miss out on any of the blessings of you in my life, and since I can't erase history and you've already made such an impact, my hope would be to keep you always close…and I will in as many ways as I can.

I don't know the future…I kind of don't even want to, but I want to be my better, more honest, emotionally available self from now on. And you helped me want that. I guess I just want to say thanks.