hi
i'm sorry it's so late
i always use the time dfference as my excuse but since i don't know what state you're in, i really don't think it holds water

i don't know why you just popped into my head, but you did
it was right after shaun (from boy meets world) said, "wanna go get ice cream or something"
right before that, someone said something about growing up and how it happens so fast--how and when? right now

i honestly think it's the jazz that draws me to you
i've been listening to kurt elling lately
he doesn't remind me of you
but music at all--good music--reminds me of you
i can imagine you thinking you introduced me to kurt elling in the first place
not arrogantly
but just because you led me in this way

one time i remember after us not having spoken in a long time, i called you and asked if you were still playing
your response was exactly as it should have been
flabberghasted--kind of like, what of life without music?

i only recently faced my reality with music
that i have no choice but to sing
and to do it with my whole broke and only half talented self
i don't know if i'd call myself a performer
because i don't think i am

but i'm touched by real music
music that has purpose and feeling behind it
and i have to somehow be a part of it

i want to make music with you

i've thought about calling you a lot lately
to say hi and to ask you if even though there may be lots of unresolveds between us, can we just do what we love with each other and have nothing to do with each other except making something meaningful?

tonight when i thought of you randomly, i imagined that when i tried to explain my calling you, you would say something like the time i called just because--still very closed and fearful of your power over me--and you said "i miss you too"
and it was that, and i guess it may still be that moment and others like it from before, that makes me know i wasn't really crazy and that there really was something between us
even if it never became what i wanted it to be

what it was you wanted, i don't know
whether you achieved what you wanted, i don't know

i don't think it's very important
i think if you wanted me to know, you would tell me
because you know where i am and how to reach me and how i feel about you, i think

i think you know how i feel about you

that i would dance through the mystery of any scary movie if i could find you there at the end
that your voice is my culling song
that to see you would stop me dead in my tracks and whatever direction i was headed in would be completely lost and meaningless from that point on
that i would follow you to wherever you're going if i knew where to start
that my love for you is so unconditional that it hasn't stopped breathing or opening and closing its eyes since i had the chance to meet you

i think you know that i did stop breathing when we stopped being
but i've since then exhaled
and everytime i get a brand new cd (god-forbid) i feel you
and sometimes i want to cry just to remember how good it felt to feel
that sometimes to remember you, i listen to anything your ears have touched

and sometimes i don't even do it on purpose
but the music follows me and i don't have a choice but to follow . . .

and that's how i know i have to sing
and i HAVE to make music
and maybe one day i'll see you again
and maybe we'll both be making good music
and we'll try again
to make music together

but really, i just wanted to say hi
but since i pray now instead of dialing, i had to at least write you a selection from my mindsoul
thank God and you for putting it there and for putting me wherever i went just now so i could find the time and place to write it out

thank you

Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence