One day at work, i reasoned that it would be okay to print out the one poem you wrote to/for me and to cut it out in the shape of a heart and put it near my computer. that it would remind that you existed, even though i had no recent record of it, what with no responses to the emails i'd sent you. i also was in need of feeling loved--ever, or feeling something close to that so i cut it out and put it on th ewall near my screen, but soonafterwards i reasoned that the whole idea was silly, and that more than making me feel good, the poem would make me seem desperate and crazy and would haunt me with memories of something i couldn't have, potentially ever again.

but then the other day as i explained my present dating situation, i re-realized that you were the last person i seriously dated. and even more recently i've seen the product of how i felt for you--poems, a lot of them. i don't know if i lied to myself when i told myself i didn't love you. i don't know how i felt about you, but i know that you come to mind a lot and that i wish things had been different. i wish you hadn't been leaving, but rather, staying. so we could have become the friends i thought we always deserved to be.
i no longer have the records of our text messaged conversations, though they were special to me. my phone only has so much capacity.

and i guess you must only have so much of a capacity too, though i did hear an amazing jazz musician over the past couple weeks cover the song "never, my love"
this same concept, of there never being a limit or an end to love/emotion for another or a true love is spoken by two of my favorite actors (julia roberts and brad pitt) in the movie THE MEXICAN. so if it's true, that one's feelings for a true love never ever go away and nothing can ever wipe away the memories or make the musings of "what ifs" go away, then what happens in the meantime?

we didn't have the time to take things slow. i wonder if the reason people think slow is generally better is because if things go slow they are drawn out and lengthened and patience is inevitably either practiced or learned. and if someone can stand to be patient wth another person, they must be able to bear them? i don't get it, but i do wish we'd had more time to become whatever we were supposed to become. i hope our time hasn't passed and that there's still time to learn and grow and dance. . .because i don't think i was completely honest with myself when it came to you

i think my answers and attitude were encased in a time capsule and it was unearthed too soon--it needed more time to cement

do we still have time?

Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence