what does it feel like to lose a friend?
well let's see. . .
today was a friday
nice out
very little wind,
a breeze even
it is warm
and hardy noticeable
it's as if everyone is wearing red and you are wearing blue
or maybe they wear black and you wear gray
nothing too far off but you feel
different
and it bugs you all day
the loss of something you never could hold
but there's a blind spot and you start to feel like any car is ready to hit
you're rushed, but you're slow
and things are happening but you're not present
it's like living in alcoholism
life is blurring past
and you're feeling very detached
but the solution is not like math
you can't just add or subtract anything to make it look like it did yesterday
you just have to keep breathing and pretend like life was always this way
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Sunday, January 29, 2006
i remember now
the day i walked the bridge your way
i remember your dictating to me the future
and my silent reaction
and then hours later feeling robbed of you
and stripped naked and bared to the wind
i remember wanting to star in a movie
with you
wanting to run to you
wanting to come find you where you were
i remember feeling helpless and without a clue of what to do
don't do that ever again
rob me of a chance to see you
to be near or with you
even in anger
i prefer you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
the day i walked the bridge your way
i remember your dictating to me the future
and my silent reaction
and then hours later feeling robbed of you
and stripped naked and bared to the wind
i remember wanting to star in a movie
with you
wanting to run to you
wanting to come find you where you were
i remember feeling helpless and without a clue of what to do
don't do that ever again
rob me of a chance to see you
to be near or with you
even in anger
i prefer you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
it is dark but clear where i am
and i see with eyes brand new
there are stars here
the sky says hello
and sends her bright love
all the way to wherever you are
i am told that life begins to speak to us once we are alive and truly living it
and it seems that i am finding a new truth in our past
that i have always blamed you for our fall is faulty judgement
and just plain wrong
i fear for my mistake
that so many of my lives have been lived in vain
and so many losses suffered because of the lies i surrounded myself with
were you never the cause of anything bad towards me?
was i only another shut door in your path to God?
i never considered what you would feel as i took myself away from you
i assumed all would be well with yours and my soul
am i nothing more than a thief?
walking in and out lives as i please?
issues
committment, relationship
i am an issue currently seeking to be resolved
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
and i see with eyes brand new
there are stars here
the sky says hello
and sends her bright love
all the way to wherever you are
i am told that life begins to speak to us once we are alive and truly living it
and it seems that i am finding a new truth in our past
that i have always blamed you for our fall is faulty judgement
and just plain wrong
i fear for my mistake
that so many of my lives have been lived in vain
and so many losses suffered because of the lies i surrounded myself with
were you never the cause of anything bad towards me?
was i only another shut door in your path to God?
i never considered what you would feel as i took myself away from you
i assumed all would be well with yours and my soul
am i nothing more than a thief?
walking in and out lives as i please?
issues
committment, relationship
i am an issue currently seeking to be resolved
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i am
what i am
i am audacious
strong
sometimes cold
intentional and directed
i am "mean"
but i'm also known
warm and soft
not fuzzy
not loud
in tune
i am a song with a hidden beat
you've got to have soul to find me and get me
i am
negotiable, changeable, pliable
and grounded
i am
several things
am friend
ear, shoulder
response
anger
i am righteousness
except when i'm wrong
cut and dry
but very superfluous
i am voice
color swells in and around me
i am a tapestry in your living room
you will never forget me though i may be a silent memory
i am all of your need sna dwants
but i am unwanted
sometimes
i am the random phrase that comes to mind and brings a smile
orange and summer rain on bare shoulders
feeling good
the dance that glides and swings
then jumps
all with grace
i am full of love
and delighted to meet you
a chipped nail that sometimes scratches but is still there
moldable
i am clay
earth holds me in its palms
and here i rest
at peace
and free to say
yes
or no
life
i am life
lived well
what i am
is me
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
what i am
i am audacious
strong
sometimes cold
intentional and directed
i am "mean"
but i'm also known
warm and soft
not fuzzy
not loud
in tune
i am a song with a hidden beat
you've got to have soul to find me and get me
i am
negotiable, changeable, pliable
and grounded
i am
several things
am friend
ear, shoulder
response
anger
i am righteousness
except when i'm wrong
cut and dry
but very superfluous
i am voice
color swells in and around me
i am a tapestry in your living room
you will never forget me though i may be a silent memory
i am all of your need sna dwants
but i am unwanted
sometimes
i am the random phrase that comes to mind and brings a smile
orange and summer rain on bare shoulders
feeling good
the dance that glides and swings
then jumps
all with grace
i am full of love
and delighted to meet you
a chipped nail that sometimes scratches but is still there
moldable
i am clay
earth holds me in its palms
and here i rest
at peace
and free to say
yes
or no
life
i am life
lived well
what i am
is me
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
take me back
to where children play
and days fall away
with the passing of time
skies turn dark blue
and you stay by my side
take me away
into those long strong arms of yours, now mine
sublime and filled with light was how i felt
your body heat still makes me melt
take me now
past the whys and the hows
...see this ship was meant to sail
i tried to stop it, but to no avail
because the wind still blows
and with steady waters below we were off
and on, and on
take me back
to the day we met
just as i had loosed my prayer to the gods you came
like a majestic human flame
bold in color and in height
you easily struck me with delight
what a night that was to behold
so that saying goodnight was only hello to the gift of tomorrow night
take me back to yesterday
the place the beatles and en vogue say was easier
i don't even remember it all
my brain has frozen over but my senses recall your beaded arms and neck
chained to the presence of our ancestors
if i complained, i'm not ashamed to say it was out of selfishness--
i wanted to love you the best
to hold your heart like i knew they did
take me back
so i don't have to remember anymore
take me
so my memory will be of today
back
will simply be my leisure activity
take me back
take me back
take me back
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
to where children play
and days fall away
with the passing of time
skies turn dark blue
and you stay by my side
take me away
into those long strong arms of yours, now mine
sublime and filled with light was how i felt
your body heat still makes me melt
take me now
past the whys and the hows
...see this ship was meant to sail
i tried to stop it, but to no avail
because the wind still blows
and with steady waters below we were off
and on, and on
take me back
to the day we met
just as i had loosed my prayer to the gods you came
like a majestic human flame
bold in color and in height
you easily struck me with delight
what a night that was to behold
so that saying goodnight was only hello to the gift of tomorrow night
take me back to yesterday
the place the beatles and en vogue say was easier
i don't even remember it all
my brain has frozen over but my senses recall your beaded arms and neck
chained to the presence of our ancestors
if i complained, i'm not ashamed to say it was out of selfishness--
i wanted to love you the best
to hold your heart like i knew they did
take me back
so i don't have to remember anymore
take me
so my memory will be of today
back
will simply be my leisure activity
take me back
take me back
take me back
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
what i do
i
leave my music on
when i leave my apartment
so i will have something
to greet me when i return
i
take the trash out
but don't replace the bag
it's representative of me
i am an unfinished job
i
over dress
over pack
over think
and sometimes think overstand something that's way above my understanding
i do things that make me happy
things that make me smile
i avoid difficulty as much as possible
because i see no worth
in avoidable problems
i talk to my friends
about problems in having with other friends
sometimes never getting to the root of the problem
i circumvent
and my favorite way to vent
is to write
because writing makes me happy
and it makes me smile
i write
to avoid confrontation
but at times
i find it inevitable
both confrontation and writing i mean
ummm. . .
i look people i see in the eyes
eye contact
i contact people who may
not remember me
but i remember them
i tell people they are wonderful because they are
sometimes i say "i'll call you right back"
when i know i won't
i never meant to hurt anyone
but it happens out of my control and
sometimes out of my knowing
i practice sarcasm because i feel it keeps conversation light
and reminds us not to be so serious
i trust God
but he is one of a very few
i knit
because it gives me a sense of creation
and i really do want to be like God
i try to live in a way
that will bring my mother no shame
i speak with authority on things i am sure of
for most else, i say "i don't know"
i have high standards
and low tolerance
i smile at strangers
i have a hard time committing
i buy on impulse
especially shoes
because i'll only live once
and i'd like my life to be full of both temporary
and elongated happinesses
and because it seems that nothing lasts forever these days
(exceptin' God)
i sing
because it is a gift
and a responsibility
i try my best
to remember what people say
because i think listening is important
and i treasure words in most forms and formats
i hope to be remembered when i take leave of this world
i pray that God has his own way
i believe in the goodness in others
but seldom ask for much
because i dislike (and avoid) rejection
but also because i don't see it my place to extend the will of others for my benefit (in general)
...(unless it's family or friends)
and i love
fully and freely
and with little regard for what others might think or do in response
i love for myself
most of the time affecting others
and changing myself
in the process
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i
leave my music on
when i leave my apartment
so i will have something
to greet me when i return
i
take the trash out
but don't replace the bag
it's representative of me
i am an unfinished job
i
over dress
over pack
over think
and sometimes think overstand something that's way above my understanding
i do things that make me happy
things that make me smile
i avoid difficulty as much as possible
because i see no worth
in avoidable problems
i talk to my friends
about problems in having with other friends
sometimes never getting to the root of the problem
i circumvent
and my favorite way to vent
is to write
because writing makes me happy
and it makes me smile
i write
to avoid confrontation
but at times
i find it inevitable
both confrontation and writing i mean
ummm. . .
i look people i see in the eyes
eye contact
i contact people who may
not remember me
but i remember them
i tell people they are wonderful because they are
sometimes i say "i'll call you right back"
when i know i won't
i never meant to hurt anyone
but it happens out of my control and
sometimes out of my knowing
i practice sarcasm because i feel it keeps conversation light
and reminds us not to be so serious
i trust God
but he is one of a very few
i knit
because it gives me a sense of creation
and i really do want to be like God
i try to live in a way
that will bring my mother no shame
i speak with authority on things i am sure of
for most else, i say "i don't know"
i have high standards
and low tolerance
i smile at strangers
i have a hard time committing
i buy on impulse
especially shoes
because i'll only live once
and i'd like my life to be full of both temporary
and elongated happinesses
and because it seems that nothing lasts forever these days
(exceptin' God)
i sing
because it is a gift
and a responsibility
i try my best
to remember what people say
because i think listening is important
and i treasure words in most forms and formats
i hope to be remembered when i take leave of this world
i pray that God has his own way
i believe in the goodness in others
but seldom ask for much
because i dislike (and avoid) rejection
but also because i don't see it my place to extend the will of others for my benefit (in general)
...(unless it's family or friends)
and i love
fully and freely
and with little regard for what others might think or do in response
i love for myself
most of the time affecting others
and changing myself
in the process
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
what you did
you listened while i talked
and it felt so good to know that my words had been before lies
men really do have the capacity
you taught and i learned
and it felt so good to not be at the top for once
you cared and i was filled
when has it ever felt other than good to be thought of...considered?
never
you talked and i listened
and your stories made the world smaller and your voice heavenly
you did not always acknowledge
and because genius is nothing alone, i sometimes felt shut out
we all need attention paid to our gifts but i found that at times you knew too much
so i got a little more quiet
you fathered and often commanded
and yes, some women do want to replace failing fathers
and certainly we can arrange for you to be daddy
but daughter disapppeared a while ago and what i need is a friend who has control over taking control
you felt and made your feelings known to me
and God, how new that was
to be told i was special, beautiful, and meaningful to another human being for whom i felt the same?
unmatched
and perhaps that is why i tell you these things
you felt and i felt good about your feeling good about me
you opened
up
higher and higher we went
and i was there until i wasn't
but you kept going when i couldn't go any further
and then when you looked back i was standing back in disbelief
now knowing that it was still possible to get left behind
you closed because i closed
and i closed because of you
we reciprocated, for all intents and purposes
but our purpose became lost with the loss of time
and everything was cut short
the music stopped
the dancing ceased
and all was over before i even blinked
then you left
i called, but it was too late
you flew away and began again
and i wonder how it felt to step away from all you thought might have one day been yours
or perhaps you knew something i didn't
and never saw what i see now
i know how it feels to be left behind
not good
but you,
you were good
and you did great things to and for me
and i am aware of
and grateful for you having done all of what you did
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
you listened while i talked
and it felt so good to know that my words had been before lies
men really do have the capacity
you taught and i learned
and it felt so good to not be at the top for once
you cared and i was filled
when has it ever felt other than good to be thought of...considered?
never
you talked and i listened
and your stories made the world smaller and your voice heavenly
you did not always acknowledge
and because genius is nothing alone, i sometimes felt shut out
we all need attention paid to our gifts but i found that at times you knew too much
so i got a little more quiet
you fathered and often commanded
and yes, some women do want to replace failing fathers
and certainly we can arrange for you to be daddy
but daughter disapppeared a while ago and what i need is a friend who has control over taking control
you felt and made your feelings known to me
and God, how new that was
to be told i was special, beautiful, and meaningful to another human being for whom i felt the same?
unmatched
and perhaps that is why i tell you these things
you felt and i felt good about your feeling good about me
you opened
up
higher and higher we went
and i was there until i wasn't
but you kept going when i couldn't go any further
and then when you looked back i was standing back in disbelief
now knowing that it was still possible to get left behind
you closed because i closed
and i closed because of you
we reciprocated, for all intents and purposes
but our purpose became lost with the loss of time
and everything was cut short
the music stopped
the dancing ceased
and all was over before i even blinked
then you left
i called, but it was too late
you flew away and began again
and i wonder how it felt to step away from all you thought might have one day been yours
or perhaps you knew something i didn't
and never saw what i see now
i know how it feels to be left behind
not good
but you,
you were good
and you did great things to and for me
and i am aware of
and grateful for you having done all of what you did
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Monday, January 09, 2006
for now
for now
everything i say to you gets filtered
and then distributed
because i hear guys like it short
and sweet
i would say more
but don't want to chance your not liking what i have to say
some may call this wrong--maybe it is
but your response to wrong was so right
that it has severely changed the winds where i am
changed my expression
changed my disposition and my outlook
what was blurry is now cascade clear
i can't wait to wake every morning to see what new light God will shine
to find new words in my mind
to feel everything as new
to carry the weight of unknown emotion as a bale of cotton picked by choice
for now, each mistake i make is
i hope
worth the dream that will be cast on the big screen of
MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE. . .IN THE SUNSHINE
for now i will wait for the later
that will bring us closer
forever
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
for now
everything i say to you gets filtered
and then distributed
because i hear guys like it short
and sweet
i would say more
but don't want to chance your not liking what i have to say
some may call this wrong--maybe it is
but your response to wrong was so right
that it has severely changed the winds where i am
changed my expression
changed my disposition and my outlook
what was blurry is now cascade clear
i can't wait to wake every morning to see what new light God will shine
to find new words in my mind
to feel everything as new
to carry the weight of unknown emotion as a bale of cotton picked by choice
for now, each mistake i make is
i hope
worth the dream that will be cast on the big screen of
MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE. . .IN THE SUNSHINE
for now i will wait for the later
that will bring us closer
forever
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Friday, January 06, 2006
2-Shoulder blade. Pressed into the thickness of heat and lust we stood tall and proud and unashamed. Lust-driven yet tame, our bodies claimed each other
5-And us not knowing anymore who we are, I am glad to hold you in high esteem -or heat- on this morning train of thought. Ride on memory, ride on.
4-Full, heavy even, but light with brilliance and bounce
My hands danced over your wide spanse of back and body cries out for the memory to relive to revive you me
3-Holding on for dear life. breath. My eyes were closed, sealed shut by spirits and sleep long time come. I remember the thump of this heart in me beating deep
1-Our lips clung together. Unpartable. Not even moses could have separated us. no trains passed, just time and touch. You holding me and I you. Right palm left
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
5-And us not knowing anymore who we are, I am glad to hold you in high esteem -or heat- on this morning train of thought. Ride on memory, ride on.
4-Full, heavy even, but light with brilliance and bounce
My hands danced over your wide spanse of back and body cries out for the memory to relive to revive you me
3-Holding on for dear life. breath. My eyes were closed, sealed shut by spirits and sleep long time come. I remember the thump of this heart in me beating deep
1-Our lips clung together. Unpartable. Not even moses could have separated us. no trains passed, just time and touch. You holding me and I you. Right palm left
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
It’s like you came into my life
Gave me no strife
You brought youth back into my smile
I was feeling free and genuinely happy
I’d released all the fear once I noticed you standing there and going nowhere
And now you’re gone, but I still sing a happy song
Because you taught me how to live well
Made me learn not to dwell on the darkness of my past
I’ve jumped into a future so bright and clear
With memories of you being here
Copyright © 2005 by Arin Lawrence
Gave me no strife
You brought youth back into my smile
I was feeling free and genuinely happy
I’d released all the fear once I noticed you standing there and going nowhere
And now you’re gone, but I still sing a happy song
Because you taught me how to live well
Made me learn not to dwell on the darkness of my past
I’ve jumped into a future so bright and clear
With memories of you being here
Copyright © 2005 by Arin Lawrence
I am convinced
There is something wrong with my heart
Every time I get loved
My heart pumps out nothing
Air hangs lazy between my eyes so I can’t even see it
And time wastes away
Walking limp and defeated down sidewalks going nowhere
Do you love me?
Oops, I didn’t mean to say that out loud
But I do wonder if your lips can stand to form that empty space in time where one says something and then waits
waits to see if something will appear
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
There is something wrong with my heart
Every time I get loved
My heart pumps out nothing
Air hangs lazy between my eyes so I can’t even see it
And time wastes away
Walking limp and defeated down sidewalks going nowhere
Do you love me?
Oops, I didn’t mean to say that out loud
But I do wonder if your lips can stand to form that empty space in time where one says something and then waits
waits to see if something will appear
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
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