hi
i'm sorry it's so late
i always use the time dfference as my excuse but since i don't know what state you're in, i really don't think it holds water

i don't know why you just popped into my head, but you did
it was right after shaun (from boy meets world) said, "wanna go get ice cream or something"
right before that, someone said something about growing up and how it happens so fast--how and when? right now

i honestly think it's the jazz that draws me to you
i've been listening to kurt elling lately
he doesn't remind me of you
but music at all--good music--reminds me of you
i can imagine you thinking you introduced me to kurt elling in the first place
not arrogantly
but just because you led me in this way

one time i remember after us not having spoken in a long time, i called you and asked if you were still playing
your response was exactly as it should have been
flabberghasted--kind of like, what of life without music?

i only recently faced my reality with music
that i have no choice but to sing
and to do it with my whole broke and only half talented self
i don't know if i'd call myself a performer
because i don't think i am

but i'm touched by real music
music that has purpose and feeling behind it
and i have to somehow be a part of it

i want to make music with you

i've thought about calling you a lot lately
to say hi and to ask you if even though there may be lots of unresolveds between us, can we just do what we love with each other and have nothing to do with each other except making something meaningful?

tonight when i thought of you randomly, i imagined that when i tried to explain my calling you, you would say something like the time i called just because--still very closed and fearful of your power over me--and you said "i miss you too"
and it was that, and i guess it may still be that moment and others like it from before, that makes me know i wasn't really crazy and that there really was something between us
even if it never became what i wanted it to be

what it was you wanted, i don't know
whether you achieved what you wanted, i don't know

i don't think it's very important
i think if you wanted me to know, you would tell me
because you know where i am and how to reach me and how i feel about you, i think

i think you know how i feel about you

that i would dance through the mystery of any scary movie if i could find you there at the end
that your voice is my culling song
that to see you would stop me dead in my tracks and whatever direction i was headed in would be completely lost and meaningless from that point on
that i would follow you to wherever you're going if i knew where to start
that my love for you is so unconditional that it hasn't stopped breathing or opening and closing its eyes since i had the chance to meet you

i think you know that i did stop breathing when we stopped being
but i've since then exhaled
and everytime i get a brand new cd (god-forbid) i feel you
and sometimes i want to cry just to remember how good it felt to feel
that sometimes to remember you, i listen to anything your ears have touched

and sometimes i don't even do it on purpose
but the music follows me and i don't have a choice but to follow . . .

and that's how i know i have to sing
and i HAVE to make music
and maybe one day i'll see you again
and maybe we'll both be making good music
and we'll try again
to make music together

but really, i just wanted to say hi
but since i pray now instead of dialing, i had to at least write you a selection from my mindsoul
thank God and you for putting it there and for putting me wherever i went just now so i could find the time and place to write it out

thank you

Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence

there is something within you
there is something in everything that is
unbelievable beauty
flowing from deep inside
don't be shocked or surprised if i
lift your disguise
realize
that i can see it in all things all
but especially you


there is something we carry
like a rhythm that tells us who we are
it's the rhythm of living
hear it we'll come to see who we can really be for time
erases time
it's sublime
and i can hear it in all things all
but especially you

the time is upon us
to lose our indifference
for time isn't holding us anywhere
i declare
life is
savoir faire

we know windows of your inner star
and see things as they are
and infinity of light
like a torch in the night
in the sun and the moon and the stars
are living within you
they are shining in everything that is

here's what i see in your eyes right now
ten thousand lives over many years like leaves on the vine of this morning's glory
the determination of years coming to fruition
in the ever present now of your life
unfolding now in the flowering of days
the constellation of stars in the sky are like a fugue of life in velvet hands
the melody never ends
echoing again and again
nearer still sounds the melody leading through darkened rooms
playing like the sun on the water
like it's reflecting in your downcast eyes
when will you come to see you like i do
and know you like i do
and hear you like i do
and love you like i do

there is something within you
there is something ineverything that is
unbelievable beauty
there is something within you
there is something in everyhing that is
unbelievable beauty
there is something within you
there is something in everything that is

unbelievable beauty
flowing from deep inside
don't be shocked or surprised if i
lift your disguise
realize
that i can see it in all things all
but especially you


--Kurt Elling's "the beauty of all things"

reach for me
through the darkness of night
stretch out and reach for me
let your pain deliver you out

close your eyes and just reach
and i will be standing
there
reaching for you

i know this duet feels like a dream
cause love in this life ain't always what it seems
but just reach for me darlng
and i will be true

close your eyes and reach
i'll be standing right there reaching for you, too

don't think too hard
and don't hesitate
please don't rest until our fingers meet

just reach for me baby
reach reach for me baby
don't retreat

reach

over sidewalks and city streets
through scenic walks with weary feet
under blue gray skies clouds stretch for miles
i have stretched this far just to see your smile

so c'mon and reach
reach for me
close your eyes and reach
and i'll be there
reaching for you

let light be the first thing i see
when i open my eyes, let light
be the cure and remedy

waste me
like the food left on your thanksgiving plate
that your eyes were too big for
shove me to the side
sharp multi pronged object forcing me
off site

send me away
back into myself
cocoon
spreading wings not
back curved
fetal position
harmed but unwilling to admit pain

ignore me
like my eyes closed when you said girlfriend
like the lie: if you can't see them, they can't see you
like the silence that comes only for crazy new yorkers
who have closed their eyes and
shut their ears to the filth
and craze that surrounds

but love me still
with unanswered phone calls
deaf ears
untransmitted feelings
long kisses
and warm hands

through incongruity
and confusion
take me in deep
so i know i always have someplace to be
even if i know i can never stay

and i know i can never tell

Copyright © 2005 by Arin Lawrence

Tonight i looked up and saw the moon
she was beaming down at me and i saw her fully exposed
burnin' a hole deep into me
straight to my core

she cleared a space in the sky all around her so there was no chance of misunderstanding:
she is the ruler of the sky
the madame and the mistress
and from her light comes life

love affair with deep blue sky
is she mother of all creation?
or father?
sky breaks open at her arrival
clouds burst with fear and temptation

and still she takes form as she will
cresent
high tide
half then full

powerful and unrelenting, but
demure and coquettish
she sits high on her throne
overlooking all that she owns

my world is hers
and hers is my world
______________________________


okay, so that was just an exercise--don't ask for what
And this (below) is my beginning attempt at trying to rhyme and be coherent at the same time ( i wanna write a song, but i have to prepare...though this IS not, nor is it intended to be or become a song)
this is just an experiment...

monday night/
white light
blue skies /melancholy sighs
tears fell inside of me/
from wells i couldn't see
i had weeks ago let go of his memory/
but he came back to haunt me

"Let us always remember the laughter spent together.Opportunity comes but once seized stays forever.Victories both public and private start with vulnerability.Every chance i have I will embrace you"
--j williams

ME: you remember that night we were on the phone and you asked me what kind of music i listened to?
(Hypothetical) YOU: no
ME: well i don't remember what i was listening to at the time, but it was probably my playlist that started with Bonnie Raitt's I can't make you love me, which always reminds me of the guy who kind of broke my heart
(Hypothetical) YOU: okay
ME: well anyway, that night you said something about how it seems like i like to make myself miserable sometimes, with the things i engage in and the music i listen to, and it's true--i admitted it then, that sometimes i like to make sure i'm feeling what i'm feeling as fully as possible, so just keep going and going into whatever direction it is that i'm headed
(silence)
ME: I've been thinking about you a lot lately--and i just found this thing you wrote on the last day i ever saw you and it's pushing me further away from you but closer to you at the same time
and it hurts, but it feels good, like i'm proving to myself that i really can feel something
(Hypothetical) YOU: That's what you were crying about that night in the park.
ME: Yeah
(Hypothetical) YOU: It was really late and you had to work the next day. Why were you crying so hard?
ME: Because I wanted to be able to feel the way I felt i should for you, but i couldn't make myself...but i thought my not being able to love you, even with your leaving, meant that i was crazy and that even if something amazing came my way i would miss out on it
(Hypothetical) YOU: Hmmm
ME: Yeah--I mean there is some truth in it. Otherwise I would probably really be talking to you now, instead of trying to pretend I know what you would say in this instance...

Forgive me if this has already been seen...I don't feel like looking back today, though it's obviously inevitable, what with this chain around my neck

A former lover found his way into my mind last night and since then i've been melancholy
i don't know if this piece I'm about to post was originally about him--i have a flightly heart, though I am realizing more and more that most of what I feel is lies...which could (and may) be troubling at some point, but i'll get to that when it comes back around

one thing i do know is I don't want to want what i don't want anymore
if you feel me just stretch your heart out this way--i'll feel you

anyway, these are my words
I hope whoever they were/are directed to can feel the feeling



I wrote you a poem last night as I lay unwanting in a lover's empty arms
It was about how much I love your smile
And how I wished his arms were yours
The ones that do the talking when your mouth doesn't quite catch the meaning And it was about how we don't have time to talk about little things like sex or stuff like that
But when we talk it's always about SOMETHING
Like words or color
Or the way I pronunciate a certain musician's name
And I wonder sometimes if you think I'm putting up a sign on front street just for your beaming purposes
What you may not have yet gathered
Is
I don't have the time enough to waste it
These nighttime escapades are simply me escaping the days of my life when I really do come home to
No one there
And no messages
No one cares
To check up on me
Jesus, friends, family
Sometimes it's all we got
But I'm hopin' and wishin'
Very soon to be prayin'
That I'll one day add to my anthem that ghostface tune
All that I got is you
And I'm so thankful I made it through

UNFINISHABLE/ "GOLDEN SILENCE"

I wish I could save all the words you say to me
You give to me a smile every time we talk

I hear new york in dee cee
And I see your smile
Always stuck on your face
Always smiling at me

I wish I could be where you are
And I wonder what that would be like
I wonder what me in your arms would feel like
Daily standing close to you
Hearing new york still in dee cee but coming into Chicago standing still
And close to you

I wish I could know how these “things” are going to work themselves out
How life is going to happen tomorrow and the next day

I wish I could see what your nocturnal eyes look like beyond those frames of seeing
Into the world
You see the world in a wise way
You know the world more than me
And I feel like I need to open a few more books before I say something stupid to you, king

I usually don’t like to be referred to as queen by a kingly man as yourself
It seems to suggest a certain arrogance or state of mind that I don’t know I possess
“Queen” fallen from lips as yours would be a compliment, yes
but still, I feel uncomfortable with such honor
perhaps I wish to sell myself short of the glory you emit

your light so bright
it shines around me
and a circle of warmth is added to my blessings
your voice always peaceful and calm among the already celebrated of my own glories

I am thinking of what else to say to such a stately one as you

How do I say enough words without saying too many?
Perhaps the answer is in a golden silence starting…now

Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence