Prelude

your voice is sweet, at peace
in pieces i find myself
all over the place and in one

Ode to your voice

O sweet depth
O heavenly mystery
Lead me down your darkened passageways
Hand me over to your senses and let me fall fearlessly through your abyss
Rise and sound
Walls have never known these acoustics
Vibrations have never this deeply shook the foundation of this structure
Chords rip and burst through ligaments long lengthened
In this mind have you carved a memory dew-drop sweet
A merciful melody combs through eager winds
Thrashes them all around me in abundant disarray and hopelessly I return to the recurrent cadence of you saying my name there in that here and now, my head rests heavy and holy in the space between your and my heaven, from whence comes the sweet music I rise to hear each day
Tenderly
You draw me in

i want to knit
crochet my memories into bags
and blankets that will keep me warm
cover me like the leaves the fall from the trees when it is time for change

You like saying goodbye
Is it because you know what will follow is hello?
I tripped over a newspaper this morning getting off the train
Thinking of you
Brings me no shame
Sometimes you call and give me a sweet surprise
I never know
With you there is only up
And spicy is the quickest way to get my tongue in action
And going nonstop
Like the flight I’ll be taking home for the holidays
I want a guaranteed spot under your watch on the second day of 2007
Don’t promise me
Just give to me
Two hour glimpses of you on late nights
When I should be planning but I rather you selfishly submit time to me
What you are to me is this mystery I finally decided I don’t need to solve
I know what I like
I know how fast you make my hand move
The thoughts you stir
My head can take
Wants to take you into permanent residency—but I feel your pull back when I get too close
I drop speech quick and maybe too fast into your right ear on Monday nights at ten
And Tuesdays just before you lay down in your bed alone
It is dark because you’ve offed the lights
My voice dances gracefully in your head, across synapses
Making you to remember tiny little details about me
While you wait for sleep
This slow patient waiting thing you do
Is new to me
But I like it
Your pace
So I’ve decided to stay and see where it takes us
Home, maybe
Or out to eat
But someplace
We’re definitely on our way

Where you ask?
We are on our way to where we’re going
And my daddy won’t be nowhere near

for adp
always will you find me by your side
and ready to take your head on my shoulder
as any good friend should

the thing is,
i like you
i like the way your voice bounces off me before i go to sleep
and the way i hear you when i stroll streets otherwise boring
on days otherwise unbearable
i like talking to you and not knowing when the conversation will end

i want you
in a way un-tarnished by secular needs or desires
but i do want you
i want your ears
your eyes on me
if not all the time, then damn near
i want your attention
and your "hello?" when i call

the thing is
i want to be
as close to yours as i can be
without even knowing if you want me
i want to know what you’d do if i walked up to you
all eyes on you
came close
took your hand
my breast at your chest
and started to move
to dance with your still black soul
i want to dance with you

and i want to be available to you
even in my pristine unavailability
and even though i want to do this impossible thing
to answer all your calls
to catch you when you fall, in no uncertain terms
i want to do this in the presence of you
and with your consent
and with your comprehension of why and where

and how i do it is not so important
just as long as you know
what it is i’m here to do

you let me read you poetry
from a book you'd never seen

(you) let me crawl into your memory
before you knew what kind of impression i'd leave

you let me kiss your cheek
without knowing where my lips have been

you welcomed my sunshine
as i walked towards you on a street called greene

I make up reasons not to call you
I have to finish this scarf
I need to get started on this application
Work is way too busy
When really all I want is for you to reach out and touch me
Take me home to where you live
Bring me to where you are
Show me where you want to be
And then keep me in your pocket so I never worry about having to leave you
Or you leaving me

But then again…

I see in you
This man I want
To be open
With you I feel
And without trying
I know we are both guarding
Our preciousness
From harm and destruction

I think your serious face is quite nice
But a smile
The hint of laughter on those cheeks
Your eyes bounced side to side when you were thinking

You make me feel like i do
when i get in the shower
naked and warm
and when the water comes down on me
i have no choice
but to look up to my God
in thanks
for the cleansing i know
is on its way

You think too much
Just like me
What did she mean?
What do I mean?
To you

And what do you want me to mean
When I say what I say

I would say more
But I rather write
Because to write is to say it all
Without saying anything

I wouldn’t mind getting caught up
In you
In the tangle of thoughts you have
Each night you write
What do you write?
Recipe, poetry, melody
You say music drives you
Can I ride?

I want to write back and say...
"umm, are you serious? like, are you seriously trying to make me blush at WORK!?! OMG! omg are you serious?
i can't--
i--
i have to go"

for e.a.h.

what if I was the kind of person who just talks to talk
says words that make rain fall
dance across sidewalks drowning poor worms that slither to their lonely half death

what if the sound of my voice were deep enuf to unearth layers of years
rocks hard with time and making this ground the solid place where you stand
what if I could make you fall

would I love myself enough to make you doubt
care so much about me that I forget about you

would I bring you close only to push you away
turn my head away when I had called your name

what if my hands were the hands of time
seconding us close and minuting us far away

could I be the face that makes the sky to fall
little pieces of cloud like soft fluffy balls
and when these clouds fall they wipe your tears away
but I’ll have made you cry so have I ruined or saved the day?

What if my words were true
What if these eyes I let you see
Are really into you
And yours are really into me

What if I dreamt last night I could hold onto you forever
I would hold you in my arms
With our bodies as our words
Our speech spoken silent as a feather

What if the last time I saw you
My urge was to follow each step you took
But I had to go back inside
And force these hands of mine to cook

What if my true wish was to feed you
With all the love I have inside
I’ve been waiting for this hour
I see my time has now arrived

i think
the problem
is
we spend our time
thinking about
solutions to problems
that don't exist

You were there in the time when I needed someone to be there
You came and took good care with me
In dark hours our feet touched through blankets there for warmth
And our voices called names we both knew from a shared home
In the mornings the swirl of clothes would make me dizzy
But there was always work to be done
You called me friend and on the morning of my birth that year you covered my door with the love I didn’t seem able to let in
Your face still haunts my ability to feel good
Those trees I smelled on our way home are why I remember you in the fall

Meeting Haiku
if you and i were
of the same native tongue i
would pass you a note

daytime Haiku
gray-haired matron boss
thin lips draw flat line
pencil in hesitation

"hello?"
"hey, how are you?"
"I'm cool. Ummm, are you married?"
"whoa! Whoa...where did you get that from?"
"I was just curious and figured now would be a better time to ask than later, that is, considering the possibility of a later."
"So you're saying there won't be a later? Does that mean I don't get my CD?"
"Well that would presume that there is a CD I have that belongs to you. But that also doesn't answer my question. DO you have a wife?"
"No."
"Okay."
"IS that all? No more interrogation?"
"I'm sure i have more questions, but nothing comes to mind right now."
"Alright. How's that for a start of a conversation?"
"I'm sorry--didn't mean to spring it on you. i just wanted to know. I mean I know you have business and life to attend to, which I admire in you, but I guess I'm just used to a more responsive front than what I'm getting from you."
"I don't respond enuf for you?"
"That's not what I said. I just said I'm not used to not getting as silent a response as you give me. Because I do hear your silence. But I sometimes may be prone to overthinking exactly what they mean, and I don't want to drive myself off a cliff trying to figure out what some sanskrit figures on this opaque wall in my mind mean. You feel me?"
"Kind of...yeah, I understand. But I really have been busy. I had a dinner last night and the night before."
"Great--how did they go?"
"Ohhh, they went well."
"What did you make?"
"For the one on Tuesday night, I made ___ and the one last night I went with an Italian theme..."
"Niice. Sounds really good. I didn't eat McDonald's last night, or the night before."
"I'm proud of you. So is there a CD, then?"
"I mean I have cds at home if that's what you're talking about."
"Hahaha. Nooo that's not what I'm talking about. You don't want to talk to me right now, do you?"
"No, I do want to talk to you. More often than not actually. I think that's my deal right now. I'm dealing with the fact that you're not married and that you're successful and that you have things to attend to that are not me. And I'm a middle child so I'm used to not getting that much attention, but I think maybe I've been spoiled over the last few months...so all this in-between thinking-slash-down time I get with you is a bit unsettling, especially since we both know about your firewalls and all."
"Oh, you're concerned with my firewalls."
"Your guards. I don't know what happened to you before me. I mean I know about Chris and his mother in Haiti....I don't know who else you're dealing with right now, because I'm sure I'm not the only voice you hear day in and out. You're a very attractive man. I know I wasn't the only one to see that."
"Well, thank you. You're very beautiful. And you're right. I do have other women friends, but it's nothing serious."
"Do you have sex with them?" (I would NEVER ask this--not at this stage anyway. I would say:
"It's not serious...okay. Yeah, well, so that's cool. I mean, that makes sense. I have friends too, but I have to admit that I most enjoy my time talking to you. But somehow that can be overcome."
"You're already ready to overcome me?"
"I'm a very impatient person and I guess I am spoiled to some degree and I know myself enough to know what I like when I see it. And I don't like wasting my time or anyone else's, so instead of waiting around for something that could have been settled early on, I like to get it all out in the open asap."
"Okay, I understand where you're coming from. And I can respect that. How old did you say you are?"
"24"
"Well you definitely sound more like an older woman--meaning that you know what you want."
"Thank you. You're right. I do know what I want. But I really don't like being in the position of getting disappointed, especially when it could have been avoided."
"But you can't avoid life."
"But i can try my darndest to know al I can about the situations into which I enter."
"This is true. Well, I'm not married. I do have female friends who I talk to every now and then. But I am very interested in you and would like to get to know you better."
"I'd like the same. But if I have to get used to KNOWING that there will hardly ever be a time when I can reach you, that may not be an option, because from what relationships I have had, I know very well that I hold accessibility in VERY high regard. For whatever reason it means something to me. And that doesn't mean that I need to be able to reach you every time I call. But I do at least hope to be on the list of 'things to do' in the mist of all else you do with your time."
"I'll see if I can make that happen."
"Oh, you'll see, huh?"
"Yeah, I'll see. You know, I don't usually let people put me on schedules, unless they're paying clients."
"Oh well certainly my time (like yours) is my money, so I think I already have an invoice for you for last week's dinner. :)"
"We'll just have to see about that."
"Well do something to see about it then."
"What are you doing tonight?"
"It depends on when tonight is (since this conversation is going on in my head)."
"Well clear your schedule for whenever this is--we've got seeing each other to do."
"umm, I'll see what i can do."
"Yeah, you do that and get back to me."
"I'll check my schedule--you just make sure you're available when I call you back. Bye."
"I'll talk to you later."
"Yep, peace."

Food is art and men are exes
That’s what I got from the conversation
How about you?
Oh well I know that I’m the fire that sparks the flame that is you and that your brain is too full for my liking but I’ll put up with it because I like that you can hear me even when I’m silent
And I like that your firewalls protected you enough to let me in
And I liked that your eyes spoke in a voice that sounded like ella that day when we met on the street
And I like that you walked towards me after feeling me move in the away direction
And even though you cut me off
But only because I had to stay on track with my destiny
But it’s ok because now we are
Each other’s
Destiny
And that we don’t have to talk to mean what we feel
Because words are sometimes and so often misused
And stale like old bread
You don’t cook with that, do you?
No, only for you
Yes, well as long as it’s edible
Not as edible as coconut meat
You mean juice
I mean juice. . .yours
My juice!
I’m a guy. It’s my job
That’s not your job. Plus you’re off today!
But I’m running errands and you know that means I’m coming for you
Misspelled but feel free to join me. I can’t wait to see you again
Whoa whoa, there’s that comfortable thing again
No couches in your system, huh?
Why all this maintenance robot talk
You started it
Well let’s finish it then. I want to spirit you away from this convoluted matrix where we exist
Where will we go?
Home, to a new place where systems don’t crash, viruses don’t exist, and music reigns it all
Shiiit, let’s go now
Ah, sweet princess, don’t let’s rush this dance
Who’s dancing?
We are, dancing towards something sweet in the morning
I love sweet
I love morning

I just found this among old emails when looking for the song "someone to love"
looks like i must have used one or most of those words in this piece SEVERAL times :)
this was something of an attempt at being my more open self
feel me--


I was walking down the street this morning after I got off the train and I realized something. First of all, I'm a liar (to myself…and sometimes to other people).

I point blame always away from myself, or I try to. And when it comes to relationships, I'm the master of blame. This is not a good thing.

The reason I started thinking as I was walking (among other reasons) was because right when I got out of the station, my phone started vibrating. And I thought--this couldn't be happening. Who could be texting me in the morning?

It was this guy from Howard I used to like/have a crush on, but who I didn't feel was willing to make himself available (in any way) to me. And I feel like that has happened so much with me. That I'm looking for people to open up to me, but what I realized is that maybe I have to first open up to them, or at least have that as an available option. And I haven't. But I want to.

Remembering how I always want someone who's willing to be really "open" or truly honest with me and how frustrating it was for me to see SO much potential and beauty in these people always killed me because to me, it seemed like vulnerability was the most beautiful thing to experience. Hard to access, but once you did it, you had truly felt--(I've watched lots of movies)--and feeling is like the ultimate. I DO want to be vulnerable and honest and feeling and I want to make the decision to do it and I think you're completely right about fear. It's a helluva drug.

So last night when you sensed (correctly, even though I wasn't aptly aware of it) that I was still being distant I was scared for being found out, scared that I'm waaay too apparent these days…

A whole lot of thoughts just started coming to me

I'm scared of needing someone--I don't even think I understand the concept/don't feel like I'm strong or useful enough to be needed--what could I do for someone in need?

But the most scary thought when we were sitting on the bench in Washington Sq. Park was that because I couldn't get my act together and f-ing let myself feel (though I didn’t know that or why I couldn't) I was about to lose this person in my life, who I don't want to lose. If I'm to lose you, I want it to be because while you're away you find someone who is THE ONE and you find your true happiness and fall in love not with possibility or potential, but with the real thing. Or I want it to be because you do something really bad so I can blame you. I know that sounds bad, but I couldn't imagine being the reason for losing someone as wonderful and funny and kind and warm-hearted and smart and human as you are and have been to me.

This morning when I got the text from my friend and started thinking about why he would call me, I thought: I wanted this guy to be "open" with me and got frustrated when he wouldn't. I've since met a guy with whom I haven't made myself fully available, and it was like I was holding up a mirror and thinking to myself: arin, you are stupid! And I don't really like to be stupid, so I want to be smart. About you and about me/us.

I like you so much and I really want to fully enjoy being around you. I don't know if "taking things slow" is an option, but if it is and you can stand me, I would like to spend lots of time with you (so we can do things I've written down on paper I won't show you) and really feel like I got to know at least parts of you in a non-rushed way. I don't know if that's possible, but let me know.

At the end of the day, after all is said and done, and all that jazz…in this moment, I can say to God and whoever else is listening that I am so SO thankful to have you around me helping me learn more about myself and about you. I don't want to miss out on any of the blessings of you in my life, and since I can't erase history and you've already made such an impact, my hope would be to keep you always close…and I will in as many ways as I can.

I don't know the future…I kind of don't even want to, but I want to be my better, more honest, emotionally available self from now on. And you helped me want that. I guess I just want to say thanks.