If I go through life without your presence it will not be complete
My breath is not whole if first it has not passed through you
Inhale, stop
I wait for you to breathe me out
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
what does it feel like to lose a friend?
well let's see. . .
today was a friday
nice out
very little wind,
a breeze even
it is warm
and hardy noticeable
it's as if everyone is wearing red and you are wearing blue
or maybe they wear black and you wear gray
nothing too far off but you feel
different
and it bugs you all day
the loss of something you never could hold
but there's a blind spot and you start to feel like any car is ready to hit
you're rushed, but you're slow
and things are happening but you're not present
it's like living in alcoholism
life is blurring past
and you're feeling very detached
but the solution is not like math
you can't just add or subtract anything to make it look like it did yesterday
you just have to keep breathing and pretend like life was always this way
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
well let's see. . .
today was a friday
nice out
very little wind,
a breeze even
it is warm
and hardy noticeable
it's as if everyone is wearing red and you are wearing blue
or maybe they wear black and you wear gray
nothing too far off but you feel
different
and it bugs you all day
the loss of something you never could hold
but there's a blind spot and you start to feel like any car is ready to hit
you're rushed, but you're slow
and things are happening but you're not present
it's like living in alcoholism
life is blurring past
and you're feeling very detached
but the solution is not like math
you can't just add or subtract anything to make it look like it did yesterday
you just have to keep breathing and pretend like life was always this way
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i remember now
the day i walked the bridge your way
i remember your dictating to me the future
and my silent reaction
and then hours later feeling robbed of you
and stripped naked and bared to the wind
i remember wanting to star in a movie
with you
wanting to run to you
wanting to come find you where you were
i remember feeling helpless and without a clue of what to do
don't do that ever again
rob me of a chance to see you
to be near or with you
even in anger
i prefer you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
the day i walked the bridge your way
i remember your dictating to me the future
and my silent reaction
and then hours later feeling robbed of you
and stripped naked and bared to the wind
i remember wanting to star in a movie
with you
wanting to run to you
wanting to come find you where you were
i remember feeling helpless and without a clue of what to do
don't do that ever again
rob me of a chance to see you
to be near or with you
even in anger
i prefer you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
it is dark but clear where i am
and i see with eyes brand new
there are stars here
the sky says hello
and sends her bright love
all the way to wherever you are
i am told that life begins to speak to us once we are alive and truly living it
and it seems that i am finding a new truth in our past
that i have always blamed you for our fall is faulty judgement
and just plain wrong
i fear for my mistake
that so many of my lives have been lived in vain
and so many losses suffered because of the lies i surrounded myself with
were you never the cause of anything bad towards me?
was i only another shut door in your path to God?
i never considered what you would feel as i took myself away from you
i assumed all would be well with yours and my soul
am i nothing more than a thief?
walking in and out lives as i please?
issues
committment, relationship
i am an issue currently seeking to be resolved
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
and i see with eyes brand new
there are stars here
the sky says hello
and sends her bright love
all the way to wherever you are
i am told that life begins to speak to us once we are alive and truly living it
and it seems that i am finding a new truth in our past
that i have always blamed you for our fall is faulty judgement
and just plain wrong
i fear for my mistake
that so many of my lives have been lived in vain
and so many losses suffered because of the lies i surrounded myself with
were you never the cause of anything bad towards me?
was i only another shut door in your path to God?
i never considered what you would feel as i took myself away from you
i assumed all would be well with yours and my soul
am i nothing more than a thief?
walking in and out lives as i please?
issues
committment, relationship
i am an issue currently seeking to be resolved
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i am
what i am
i am audacious
strong
sometimes cold
intentional and directed
i am "mean"
but i'm also known
warm and soft
not fuzzy
not loud
in tune
i am a song with a hidden beat
you've got to have soul to find me and get me
i am
negotiable, changeable, pliable
and grounded
i am
several things
am friend
ear, shoulder
response
anger
i am righteousness
except when i'm wrong
cut and dry
but very superfluous
i am voice
color swells in and around me
i am a tapestry in your living room
you will never forget me though i may be a silent memory
i am all of your need sna dwants
but i am unwanted
sometimes
i am the random phrase that comes to mind and brings a smile
orange and summer rain on bare shoulders
feeling good
the dance that glides and swings
then jumps
all with grace
i am full of love
and delighted to meet you
a chipped nail that sometimes scratches but is still there
moldable
i am clay
earth holds me in its palms
and here i rest
at peace
and free to say
yes
or no
life
i am life
lived well
what i am
is me
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
what i am
i am audacious
strong
sometimes cold
intentional and directed
i am "mean"
but i'm also known
warm and soft
not fuzzy
not loud
in tune
i am a song with a hidden beat
you've got to have soul to find me and get me
i am
negotiable, changeable, pliable
and grounded
i am
several things
am friend
ear, shoulder
response
anger
i am righteousness
except when i'm wrong
cut and dry
but very superfluous
i am voice
color swells in and around me
i am a tapestry in your living room
you will never forget me though i may be a silent memory
i am all of your need sna dwants
but i am unwanted
sometimes
i am the random phrase that comes to mind and brings a smile
orange and summer rain on bare shoulders
feeling good
the dance that glides and swings
then jumps
all with grace
i am full of love
and delighted to meet you
a chipped nail that sometimes scratches but is still there
moldable
i am clay
earth holds me in its palms
and here i rest
at peace
and free to say
yes
or no
life
i am life
lived well
what i am
is me
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
take me back
to where children play
and days fall away
with the passing of time
skies turn dark blue
and you stay by my side
take me away
into those long strong arms of yours, now mine
sublime and filled with light was how i felt
your body heat still makes me melt
take me now
past the whys and the hows
...see this ship was meant to sail
i tried to stop it, but to no avail
because the wind still blows
and with steady waters below we were off
and on, and on
take me back
to the day we met
just as i had loosed my prayer to the gods you came
like a majestic human flame
bold in color and in height
you easily struck me with delight
what a night that was to behold
so that saying goodnight was only hello to the gift of tomorrow night
take me back to yesterday
the place the beatles and en vogue say was easier
i don't even remember it all
my brain has frozen over but my senses recall your beaded arms and neck
chained to the presence of our ancestors
if i complained, i'm not ashamed to say it was out of selfishness--
i wanted to love you the best
to hold your heart like i knew they did
take me back
so i don't have to remember anymore
take me
so my memory will be of today
back
will simply be my leisure activity
take me back
take me back
take me back
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
to where children play
and days fall away
with the passing of time
skies turn dark blue
and you stay by my side
take me away
into those long strong arms of yours, now mine
sublime and filled with light was how i felt
your body heat still makes me melt
take me now
past the whys and the hows
...see this ship was meant to sail
i tried to stop it, but to no avail
because the wind still blows
and with steady waters below we were off
and on, and on
take me back
to the day we met
just as i had loosed my prayer to the gods you came
like a majestic human flame
bold in color and in height
you easily struck me with delight
what a night that was to behold
so that saying goodnight was only hello to the gift of tomorrow night
take me back to yesterday
the place the beatles and en vogue say was easier
i don't even remember it all
my brain has frozen over but my senses recall your beaded arms and neck
chained to the presence of our ancestors
if i complained, i'm not ashamed to say it was out of selfishness--
i wanted to love you the best
to hold your heart like i knew they did
take me back
so i don't have to remember anymore
take me
so my memory will be of today
back
will simply be my leisure activity
take me back
take me back
take me back
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
what i do
i
leave my music on
when i leave my apartment
so i will have something
to greet me when i return
i
take the trash out
but don't replace the bag
it's representative of me
i am an unfinished job
i
over dress
over pack
over think
and sometimes think overstand something that's way above my understanding
i do things that make me happy
things that make me smile
i avoid difficulty as much as possible
because i see no worth
in avoidable problems
i talk to my friends
about problems in having with other friends
sometimes never getting to the root of the problem
i circumvent
and my favorite way to vent
is to write
because writing makes me happy
and it makes me smile
i write
to avoid confrontation
but at times
i find it inevitable
both confrontation and writing i mean
ummm. . .
i look people i see in the eyes
eye contact
i contact people who may
not remember me
but i remember them
i tell people they are wonderful because they are
sometimes i say "i'll call you right back"
when i know i won't
i never meant to hurt anyone
but it happens out of my control and
sometimes out of my knowing
i practice sarcasm because i feel it keeps conversation light
and reminds us not to be so serious
i trust God
but he is one of a very few
i knit
because it gives me a sense of creation
and i really do want to be like God
i try to live in a way
that will bring my mother no shame
i speak with authority on things i am sure of
for most else, i say "i don't know"
i have high standards
and low tolerance
i smile at strangers
i have a hard time committing
i buy on impulse
especially shoes
because i'll only live once
and i'd like my life to be full of both temporary
and elongated happinesses
and because it seems that nothing lasts forever these days
(exceptin' God)
i sing
because it is a gift
and a responsibility
i try my best
to remember what people say
because i think listening is important
and i treasure words in most forms and formats
i hope to be remembered when i take leave of this world
i pray that God has his own way
i believe in the goodness in others
but seldom ask for much
because i dislike (and avoid) rejection
but also because i don't see it my place to extend the will of others for my benefit (in general)
...(unless it's family or friends)
and i love
fully and freely
and with little regard for what others might think or do in response
i love for myself
most of the time affecting others
and changing myself
in the process
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i
leave my music on
when i leave my apartment
so i will have something
to greet me when i return
i
take the trash out
but don't replace the bag
it's representative of me
i am an unfinished job
i
over dress
over pack
over think
and sometimes think overstand something that's way above my understanding
i do things that make me happy
things that make me smile
i avoid difficulty as much as possible
because i see no worth
in avoidable problems
i talk to my friends
about problems in having with other friends
sometimes never getting to the root of the problem
i circumvent
and my favorite way to vent
is to write
because writing makes me happy
and it makes me smile
i write
to avoid confrontation
but at times
i find it inevitable
both confrontation and writing i mean
ummm. . .
i look people i see in the eyes
eye contact
i contact people who may
not remember me
but i remember them
i tell people they are wonderful because they are
sometimes i say "i'll call you right back"
when i know i won't
i never meant to hurt anyone
but it happens out of my control and
sometimes out of my knowing
i practice sarcasm because i feel it keeps conversation light
and reminds us not to be so serious
i trust God
but he is one of a very few
i knit
because it gives me a sense of creation
and i really do want to be like God
i try to live in a way
that will bring my mother no shame
i speak with authority on things i am sure of
for most else, i say "i don't know"
i have high standards
and low tolerance
i smile at strangers
i have a hard time committing
i buy on impulse
especially shoes
because i'll only live once
and i'd like my life to be full of both temporary
and elongated happinesses
and because it seems that nothing lasts forever these days
(exceptin' God)
i sing
because it is a gift
and a responsibility
i try my best
to remember what people say
because i think listening is important
and i treasure words in most forms and formats
i hope to be remembered when i take leave of this world
i pray that God has his own way
i believe in the goodness in others
but seldom ask for much
because i dislike (and avoid) rejection
but also because i don't see it my place to extend the will of others for my benefit (in general)
...(unless it's family or friends)
and i love
fully and freely
and with little regard for what others might think or do in response
i love for myself
most of the time affecting others
and changing myself
in the process
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
what you did
you listened while i talked
and it felt so good to know that my words had been before lies
men really do have the capacity
you taught and i learned
and it felt so good to not be at the top for once
you cared and i was filled
when has it ever felt other than good to be thought of...considered?
never
you talked and i listened
and your stories made the world smaller and your voice heavenly
you did not always acknowledge
and because genius is nothing alone, i sometimes felt shut out
we all need attention paid to our gifts but i found that at times you knew too much
so i got a little more quiet
you fathered and often commanded
and yes, some women do want to replace failing fathers
and certainly we can arrange for you to be daddy
but daughter disapppeared a while ago and what i need is a friend who has control over taking control
you felt and made your feelings known to me
and God, how new that was
to be told i was special, beautiful, and meaningful to another human being for whom i felt the same?
unmatched
and perhaps that is why i tell you these things
you felt and i felt good about your feeling good about me
you opened
up
higher and higher we went
and i was there until i wasn't
but you kept going when i couldn't go any further
and then when you looked back i was standing back in disbelief
now knowing that it was still possible to get left behind
you closed because i closed
and i closed because of you
we reciprocated, for all intents and purposes
but our purpose became lost with the loss of time
and everything was cut short
the music stopped
the dancing ceased
and all was over before i even blinked
then you left
i called, but it was too late
you flew away and began again
and i wonder how it felt to step away from all you thought might have one day been yours
or perhaps you knew something i didn't
and never saw what i see now
i know how it feels to be left behind
not good
but you,
you were good
and you did great things to and for me
and i am aware of
and grateful for you having done all of what you did
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
you listened while i talked
and it felt so good to know that my words had been before lies
men really do have the capacity
you taught and i learned
and it felt so good to not be at the top for once
you cared and i was filled
when has it ever felt other than good to be thought of...considered?
never
you talked and i listened
and your stories made the world smaller and your voice heavenly
you did not always acknowledge
and because genius is nothing alone, i sometimes felt shut out
we all need attention paid to our gifts but i found that at times you knew too much
so i got a little more quiet
you fathered and often commanded
and yes, some women do want to replace failing fathers
and certainly we can arrange for you to be daddy
but daughter disapppeared a while ago and what i need is a friend who has control over taking control
you felt and made your feelings known to me
and God, how new that was
to be told i was special, beautiful, and meaningful to another human being for whom i felt the same?
unmatched
and perhaps that is why i tell you these things
you felt and i felt good about your feeling good about me
you opened
up
higher and higher we went
and i was there until i wasn't
but you kept going when i couldn't go any further
and then when you looked back i was standing back in disbelief
now knowing that it was still possible to get left behind
you closed because i closed
and i closed because of you
we reciprocated, for all intents and purposes
but our purpose became lost with the loss of time
and everything was cut short
the music stopped
the dancing ceased
and all was over before i even blinked
then you left
i called, but it was too late
you flew away and began again
and i wonder how it felt to step away from all you thought might have one day been yours
or perhaps you knew something i didn't
and never saw what i see now
i know how it feels to be left behind
not good
but you,
you were good
and you did great things to and for me
and i am aware of
and grateful for you having done all of what you did
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Monday, January 09, 2006
for now
for now
everything i say to you gets filtered
and then distributed
because i hear guys like it short
and sweet
i would say more
but don't want to chance your not liking what i have to say
some may call this wrong--maybe it is
but your response to wrong was so right
that it has severely changed the winds where i am
changed my expression
changed my disposition and my outlook
what was blurry is now cascade clear
i can't wait to wake every morning to see what new light God will shine
to find new words in my mind
to feel everything as new
to carry the weight of unknown emotion as a bale of cotton picked by choice
for now, each mistake i make is
i hope
worth the dream that will be cast on the big screen of
MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE. . .IN THE SUNSHINE
for now i will wait for the later
that will bring us closer
forever
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
for now
everything i say to you gets filtered
and then distributed
because i hear guys like it short
and sweet
i would say more
but don't want to chance your not liking what i have to say
some may call this wrong--maybe it is
but your response to wrong was so right
that it has severely changed the winds where i am
changed my expression
changed my disposition and my outlook
what was blurry is now cascade clear
i can't wait to wake every morning to see what new light God will shine
to find new words in my mind
to feel everything as new
to carry the weight of unknown emotion as a bale of cotton picked by choice
for now, each mistake i make is
i hope
worth the dream that will be cast on the big screen of
MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE, MY LIFE. . .IN THE SUNSHINE
for now i will wait for the later
that will bring us closer
forever
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Friday, January 06, 2006
2-Shoulder blade. Pressed into the thickness of heat and lust we stood tall and proud and unashamed. Lust-driven yet tame, our bodies claimed each other
5-And us not knowing anymore who we are, I am glad to hold you in high esteem -or heat- on this morning train of thought. Ride on memory, ride on.
4-Full, heavy even, but light with brilliance and bounce
My hands danced over your wide spanse of back and body cries out for the memory to relive to revive you me
3-Holding on for dear life. breath. My eyes were closed, sealed shut by spirits and sleep long time come. I remember the thump of this heart in me beating deep
1-Our lips clung together. Unpartable. Not even moses could have separated us. no trains passed, just time and touch. You holding me and I you. Right palm left
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
5-And us not knowing anymore who we are, I am glad to hold you in high esteem -or heat- on this morning train of thought. Ride on memory, ride on.
4-Full, heavy even, but light with brilliance and bounce
My hands danced over your wide spanse of back and body cries out for the memory to relive to revive you me
3-Holding on for dear life. breath. My eyes were closed, sealed shut by spirits and sleep long time come. I remember the thump of this heart in me beating deep
1-Our lips clung together. Unpartable. Not even moses could have separated us. no trains passed, just time and touch. You holding me and I you. Right palm left
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
It’s like you came into my life
Gave me no strife
You brought youth back into my smile
I was feeling free and genuinely happy
I’d released all the fear once I noticed you standing there and going nowhere
And now you’re gone, but I still sing a happy song
Because you taught me how to live well
Made me learn not to dwell on the darkness of my past
I’ve jumped into a future so bright and clear
With memories of you being here
Copyright © 2005 by Arin Lawrence
Gave me no strife
You brought youth back into my smile
I was feeling free and genuinely happy
I’d released all the fear once I noticed you standing there and going nowhere
And now you’re gone, but I still sing a happy song
Because you taught me how to live well
Made me learn not to dwell on the darkness of my past
I’ve jumped into a future so bright and clear
With memories of you being here
Copyright © 2005 by Arin Lawrence
I am convinced
There is something wrong with my heart
Every time I get loved
My heart pumps out nothing
Air hangs lazy between my eyes so I can’t even see it
And time wastes away
Walking limp and defeated down sidewalks going nowhere
Do you love me?
Oops, I didn’t mean to say that out loud
But I do wonder if your lips can stand to form that empty space in time where one says something and then waits
waits to see if something will appear
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
There is something wrong with my heart
Every time I get loved
My heart pumps out nothing
Air hangs lazy between my eyes so I can’t even see it
And time wastes away
Walking limp and defeated down sidewalks going nowhere
Do you love me?
Oops, I didn’t mean to say that out loud
But I do wonder if your lips can stand to form that empty space in time where one says something and then waits
waits to see if something will appear
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Everything with you was new to me
Every step I took with you was a first for me
I stumbled at times and had to find my footing
At one point I even stopped and fell to my knees
After a while I just gave up, knowing that you were ready to run
While I still hadn’t mastered walking
What you needed was someone to be in pace with you
And I knew I couldn’t be that for you before the race ended
I was intimidated by the speed and the way the course was shaped
So I tripped and fell, and for it, I had to watch you disappear
Because once you had reached a certain pace, there was no slowing down
Did you exit the track?
Or are you coming around again?
Maybe this time you can slow down just a bit so that I can learn to jog with you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Every step I took with you was a first for me
I stumbled at times and had to find my footing
At one point I even stopped and fell to my knees
After a while I just gave up, knowing that you were ready to run
While I still hadn’t mastered walking
What you needed was someone to be in pace with you
And I knew I couldn’t be that for you before the race ended
I was intimidated by the speed and the way the course was shaped
So I tripped and fell, and for it, I had to watch you disappear
Because once you had reached a certain pace, there was no slowing down
Did you exit the track?
Or are you coming around again?
Maybe this time you can slow down just a bit so that I can learn to jog with you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
I miss you
Your too tallness
And your british accent that sounded a bit more like barney the purple dinosaur
I like him, whoever he was you became
I like your glasses and that we both had them
I like. . .
I remember the first night when you called me beautiful
Twice
And you looked at me like I was unbelievable
And remember the second night
(right after the first night)
when we knew we would see each other but I wasn’t sure I would actually see you because I don’t trust
anyone
and I didn’t think you were going to be there
let alone call me
but you did
even before I got there
and it was so easy
it seemed so easy for you to just be who you were and feel how you felt without any stopping
and I wore something cute but not too cute and not too girly because after all I wasn’t dressing for you
I was dressing for me (and that guy I met last night, who, dang I hope I get to see him, but nah, he won’t call because he called me beautiful and he was cute and I lie the way he carried himself so he definitely won’t call)
When all this doubt brings me is truth from my words, and who wants that?
Who really wants to be a fortune teller?
I just want to have a good fortune
Yeah maybe my fortune will include a guy who’s a bit arrogant and thinks he’s in control of everything around him
But I’ll be the better for it because if I’m in his circle he will do anything for me
Because he’s in control
And I think I missed out on that
I had to start looking for holes
I had to start looking for stops
Because I knew things would have to stop
And I do wish I hadn’t stopped but it wasn’t a decision
It was a reaction
I don’t know if you can accept that
I reacted to the situation I was presented with
My brain will hopefully one day fall to the wayside and my heart will rule
(and then hopefully I can then resume action with my brain, because it is in rather good shape)
one day things that don’t make sense won’t matter
I don’t want it to make sense
I want to make nonsense with you
And I want to know that every free moment I have will be filled with you
Like it is now
And like I hope you know it is
Because I don’t want to have any shame either
I want to let you know
But my words are not my own
My words would lead you away
And I want you near
So I stay quiet
And wait to push the doors between us open a bit wider
I want you to enter this space again
And I want you to see me the same way you saw me that night
But I fear
I fear that your sight will be jaded by what you felt and what you think I didn’t feel
And those tears I cried that last night in the park were a bit commercial don’t you think?
But damnit they were real
And god knows why I cried that way that night
But you held me
And you didn’t get mad
And I don’t know how you felt about it
But I felt good and safe in your arms
And it was funny the way the white people started caring about the black girl with the nappy hair
But you wiped my tears
And for some reason that still didn’t register to me to hold on tighter
Somehow I still let you go
But I didn’t want you to go
I just didn’t want to be in limbo anymore
I felt that I didn’t deserve anymore time
Because I knew time was coming to a close
And I felt that I had to do something about it
Be involved in the ticking motion
I like drama
I admit that
But I really did feel something that was completely new and obviously misunderstood
My tears came down hard
And they wouldn’t stop
And remembering them right now is hard because I haven’t cried like that in a loooong time
Before you I have never cried ON someone
I have never let myself reach such a point of weakness in front of someone not myself
And I don’t know if that means anything to you
I don’t know if that registers to you
I did not tell you because we ended soon afterwards
I think
(only because I do not know)
that you left because you didn’t like the feeling
of bending backwards with no one there to spot you
if you fell
and I can understand that
there goes my brain again
you were so honest with me and i had already reached the stop light
and everything had shut down
and I don’t know why or how it happened
but I know the instrument and I will deactivate it
if again I have the chance to meet you for the first time
hurt
I don’t know if I hurt you
If you felt pain from the way I had to act for sanity
Is it worth it?
To be sane?
Is loneliness worth sanity?
I don’t know
You are not every sound I hear
You are not every wind that blows against me
You do not knock me off my feet
But you do force open the wellsprings in me and bring forth music of a kind
You make me full with everything that did and didn’t happen
The memories and the walks
And the words
And the pens on paper
And the nights that ended up lighter than dark
I don’t even have to close my eyes and I am with you
Maybe this is just what poetry is made of though
Maybe this is what feeling is and you were just a beginning
Maybe (this is my attempt to steel myself against the possibility that you may have found another lover or mate while you’ve been away—if you have taken a wife there where I am not, I will lead myself to believe that we were never meant to be and that all of my actions, logic-driven though they may have been, were correct and perfectly calculated to cause me the least amount of pain possible. I will call myself RIGHT, and I’ve heard that’s the problem with us young people these days, we always want to be right. I do want to be right, but I also want to be held)
Will you hold me again?
Will you want me again?
If you see me will you feel anything or have you taken on my symptoms and become well-brained too?
Shall I do all the feeling this time?
Can we both consent to reality?
No matter how heavy it is?
Can I look at you like I want you?
Can I even ask you before you arrive if you are engaged with another?
Is it my business?
I am barefoot with no shoes in sight and I want to drag my feet through the mud of your flesh
Making footprints that will stay forever
I want to stay forever lodged in you as part of you
If I cannot have this, I will selfishly and childishly release all memories (but they will go nowhere)
I will act as if I am strong
And there will be a bulb in my throat that cannot be ignored
So I will excuse myself to a restroom near me and I will shed tears
3, maybe 4
And I will breathe and I will bear the pain of the unswallowable
Because you are not mine
And if I release again it will not be in your arms and therefore will be useless and worthless and inconclusive
Every night following will be cold
Even in the summer
Heat will not be my gift
I will be empty and without
And of course after days and months of thinking of you
And flooding my eyes with water that does not cleanse but only stains
After this, I will rest
But will not forget you
And every so often, as a ritual dance, I will allow myself the pain of remembering you
And again the bulb will rise for me as it did the last time I encountered you
And this will be my life
The days that I live consumed by the absence of you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Your too tallness
And your british accent that sounded a bit more like barney the purple dinosaur
I like him, whoever he was you became
I like your glasses and that we both had them
I like. . .
I remember the first night when you called me beautiful
Twice
And you looked at me like I was unbelievable
And remember the second night
(right after the first night)
when we knew we would see each other but I wasn’t sure I would actually see you because I don’t trust
anyone
and I didn’t think you were going to be there
let alone call me
but you did
even before I got there
and it was so easy
it seemed so easy for you to just be who you were and feel how you felt without any stopping
and I wore something cute but not too cute and not too girly because after all I wasn’t dressing for you
I was dressing for me (and that guy I met last night, who, dang I hope I get to see him, but nah, he won’t call because he called me beautiful and he was cute and I lie the way he carried himself so he definitely won’t call)
When all this doubt brings me is truth from my words, and who wants that?
Who really wants to be a fortune teller?
I just want to have a good fortune
Yeah maybe my fortune will include a guy who’s a bit arrogant and thinks he’s in control of everything around him
But I’ll be the better for it because if I’m in his circle he will do anything for me
Because he’s in control
And I think I missed out on that
I had to start looking for holes
I had to start looking for stops
Because I knew things would have to stop
And I do wish I hadn’t stopped but it wasn’t a decision
It was a reaction
I don’t know if you can accept that
I reacted to the situation I was presented with
My brain will hopefully one day fall to the wayside and my heart will rule
(and then hopefully I can then resume action with my brain, because it is in rather good shape)
one day things that don’t make sense won’t matter
I don’t want it to make sense
I want to make nonsense with you
And I want to know that every free moment I have will be filled with you
Like it is now
And like I hope you know it is
Because I don’t want to have any shame either
I want to let you know
But my words are not my own
My words would lead you away
And I want you near
So I stay quiet
And wait to push the doors between us open a bit wider
I want you to enter this space again
And I want you to see me the same way you saw me that night
But I fear
I fear that your sight will be jaded by what you felt and what you think I didn’t feel
And those tears I cried that last night in the park were a bit commercial don’t you think?
But damnit they were real
And god knows why I cried that way that night
But you held me
And you didn’t get mad
And I don’t know how you felt about it
But I felt good and safe in your arms
And it was funny the way the white people started caring about the black girl with the nappy hair
But you wiped my tears
And for some reason that still didn’t register to me to hold on tighter
Somehow I still let you go
But I didn’t want you to go
I just didn’t want to be in limbo anymore
I felt that I didn’t deserve anymore time
Because I knew time was coming to a close
And I felt that I had to do something about it
Be involved in the ticking motion
I like drama
I admit that
But I really did feel something that was completely new and obviously misunderstood
My tears came down hard
And they wouldn’t stop
And remembering them right now is hard because I haven’t cried like that in a loooong time
Before you I have never cried ON someone
I have never let myself reach such a point of weakness in front of someone not myself
And I don’t know if that means anything to you
I don’t know if that registers to you
I did not tell you because we ended soon afterwards
I think
(only because I do not know)
that you left because you didn’t like the feeling
of bending backwards with no one there to spot you
if you fell
and I can understand that
there goes my brain again
you were so honest with me and i had already reached the stop light
and everything had shut down
and I don’t know why or how it happened
but I know the instrument and I will deactivate it
if again I have the chance to meet you for the first time
hurt
I don’t know if I hurt you
If you felt pain from the way I had to act for sanity
Is it worth it?
To be sane?
Is loneliness worth sanity?
I don’t know
You are not every sound I hear
You are not every wind that blows against me
You do not knock me off my feet
But you do force open the wellsprings in me and bring forth music of a kind
You make me full with everything that did and didn’t happen
The memories and the walks
And the words
And the pens on paper
And the nights that ended up lighter than dark
I don’t even have to close my eyes and I am with you
Maybe this is just what poetry is made of though
Maybe this is what feeling is and you were just a beginning
Maybe (this is my attempt to steel myself against the possibility that you may have found another lover or mate while you’ve been away—if you have taken a wife there where I am not, I will lead myself to believe that we were never meant to be and that all of my actions, logic-driven though they may have been, were correct and perfectly calculated to cause me the least amount of pain possible. I will call myself RIGHT, and I’ve heard that’s the problem with us young people these days, we always want to be right. I do want to be right, but I also want to be held)
Will you hold me again?
Will you want me again?
If you see me will you feel anything or have you taken on my symptoms and become well-brained too?
Shall I do all the feeling this time?
Can we both consent to reality?
No matter how heavy it is?
Can I look at you like I want you?
Can I even ask you before you arrive if you are engaged with another?
Is it my business?
I am barefoot with no shoes in sight and I want to drag my feet through the mud of your flesh
Making footprints that will stay forever
I want to stay forever lodged in you as part of you
If I cannot have this, I will selfishly and childishly release all memories (but they will go nowhere)
I will act as if I am strong
And there will be a bulb in my throat that cannot be ignored
So I will excuse myself to a restroom near me and I will shed tears
3, maybe 4
And I will breathe and I will bear the pain of the unswallowable
Because you are not mine
And if I release again it will not be in your arms and therefore will be useless and worthless and inconclusive
Every night following will be cold
Even in the summer
Heat will not be my gift
I will be empty and without
And of course after days and months of thinking of you
And flooding my eyes with water that does not cleanse but only stains
After this, I will rest
But will not forget you
And every so often, as a ritual dance, I will allow myself the pain of remembering you
And again the bulb will rise for me as it did the last time I encountered you
And this will be my life
The days that I live consumed by the absence of you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Catching thoughts on a Friday night
I must be alone
Cause all I’m doing is thinking of you
Maybe if I had a date I wouldn’t be locked down or shut up with words floating around in this head of mine
Maybe I’d be able to take words as themselves and not dress them up to be something famous and, when you think about it, unknown
You words are a treasure to me because they are so far and so few and so distant
I am stretching you wide
If my mind were a voodoo doll
Boy would you be in trouble
I’d have you with me always
Don’t worry about night time
I just want you near
You might feel me if you close your eyes at night
My body on top of yours
I straddle
I like it there on top
We are close
And I feel like you are something that can be owned by me fully
I lock my arms around you tight and I feel in control
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
I must be alone
Cause all I’m doing is thinking of you
Maybe if I had a date I wouldn’t be locked down or shut up with words floating around in this head of mine
Maybe I’d be able to take words as themselves and not dress them up to be something famous and, when you think about it, unknown
You words are a treasure to me because they are so far and so few and so distant
I am stretching you wide
If my mind were a voodoo doll
Boy would you be in trouble
I’d have you with me always
Don’t worry about night time
I just want you near
You might feel me if you close your eyes at night
My body on top of yours
I straddle
I like it there on top
We are close
And I feel like you are something that can be owned by me fully
I lock my arms around you tight and I feel in control
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Dieting on you is filling me up with words unspoken
Like I love you too
And
Please don’t stop looking into my eyes
I keep it all in because I kept it all in
With nowhere to go my words hope to be your brain food
Serving you gladly each night as you dream
Tempting you with memories of days lit by the sun’s grace
and me next to you
vertical and stretched beside
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Like I love you too
And
Please don’t stop looking into my eyes
I keep it all in because I kept it all in
With nowhere to go my words hope to be your brain food
Serving you gladly each night as you dream
Tempting you with memories of days lit by the sun’s grace
and me next to you
vertical and stretched beside
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
A little nostalgic
I walk up 9th avenue and am flooded with thoughts of you
Tears roll down as I walk up
56th street
sushi spot and you feeding me eggs from some other mother
squishy and pink
plus fried ice
and I am cold
wind blows against me
it is an empty Friday night
empty weekend with nothing to do
my mind fills with you
I binge on memories of us moving fast towards
My red light
And I wonder now
Why I stopped our collision
So desperate and inevitable
It was thought
Brain seizure
Then shut down
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
I walk up 9th avenue and am flooded with thoughts of you
Tears roll down as I walk up
56th street
sushi spot and you feeding me eggs from some other mother
squishy and pink
plus fried ice
and I am cold
wind blows against me
it is an empty Friday night
empty weekend with nothing to do
my mind fills with you
I binge on memories of us moving fast towards
My red light
And I wonder now
Why I stopped our collision
So desperate and inevitable
It was thought
Brain seizure
Then shut down
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
Thursday, January 05, 2006
One day at work, i reasoned that it would be okay to print out the one poem you wrote to/for me and to cut it out in the shape of a heart and put it near my computer. that it would remind that you existed, even though i had no recent record of it, what with no responses to the emails i'd sent you. i also was in need of feeling loved--ever, or feeling something close to that so i cut it out and put it on th ewall near my screen, but soonafterwards i reasoned that the whole idea was silly, and that more than making me feel good, the poem would make me seem desperate and crazy and would haunt me with memories of something i couldn't have, potentially ever again.
but then the other day as i explained my present dating situation, i re-realized that you were the last person i seriously dated. and even more recently i've seen the product of how i felt for you--poems, a lot of them. i don't know if i lied to myself when i told myself i didn't love you. i don't know how i felt about you, but i know that you come to mind a lot and that i wish things had been different. i wish you hadn't been leaving, but rather, staying. so we could have become the friends i thought we always deserved to be.
i no longer have the records of our text messaged conversations, though they were special to me. my phone only has so much capacity.
and i guess you must only have so much of a capacity too, though i did hear an amazing jazz musician over the past couple weeks cover the song "never, my love"
this same concept, of there never being a limit or an end to love/emotion for another or a true love is spoken by two of my favorite actors (julia roberts and brad pitt) in the movie THE MEXICAN. so if it's true, that one's feelings for a true love never ever go away and nothing can ever wipe away the memories or make the musings of "what ifs" go away, then what happens in the meantime?
we didn't have the time to take things slow. i wonder if the reason people think slow is generally better is because if things go slow they are drawn out and lengthened and patience is inevitably either practiced or learned. and if someone can stand to be patient wth another person, they must be able to bear them? i don't get it, but i do wish we'd had more time to become whatever we were supposed to become. i hope our time hasn't passed and that there's still time to learn and grow and dance. . .because i don't think i was completely honest with myself when it came to you
i think my answers and attitude were encased in a time capsule and it was unearthed too soon--it needed more time to cement
do we still have time?
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
but then the other day as i explained my present dating situation, i re-realized that you were the last person i seriously dated. and even more recently i've seen the product of how i felt for you--poems, a lot of them. i don't know if i lied to myself when i told myself i didn't love you. i don't know how i felt about you, but i know that you come to mind a lot and that i wish things had been different. i wish you hadn't been leaving, but rather, staying. so we could have become the friends i thought we always deserved to be.
i no longer have the records of our text messaged conversations, though they were special to me. my phone only has so much capacity.
and i guess you must only have so much of a capacity too, though i did hear an amazing jazz musician over the past couple weeks cover the song "never, my love"
this same concept, of there never being a limit or an end to love/emotion for another or a true love is spoken by two of my favorite actors (julia roberts and brad pitt) in the movie THE MEXICAN. so if it's true, that one's feelings for a true love never ever go away and nothing can ever wipe away the memories or make the musings of "what ifs" go away, then what happens in the meantime?
we didn't have the time to take things slow. i wonder if the reason people think slow is generally better is because if things go slow they are drawn out and lengthened and patience is inevitably either practiced or learned. and if someone can stand to be patient wth another person, they must be able to bear them? i don't get it, but i do wish we'd had more time to become whatever we were supposed to become. i hope our time hasn't passed and that there's still time to learn and grow and dance. . .because i don't think i was completely honest with myself when it came to you
i think my answers and attitude were encased in a time capsule and it was unearthed too soon--it needed more time to cement
do we still have time?
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
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