i'd be lying if i said i didn't want you to be different

and that i didn't want to see you or touch you
and hold you close again
it feels almost impossible to not get my hopes up and smashed
when i see you
and you can just stand there with your hands like that
like somebody made you like this
tied you up inside yourself
and made you stand behind your own self

no sweetheart
it was you who found the string long enuf to bind me to you for life
heart to hope
and honest and open for this terrible season of ever

--and afterwards you hung your heart so close
and so far from me
that i stand
still
in this temple of familiar
torture
like a 9-5
waiting for you to pick up the phone
just to call
and say
you love me

confession 9,037,264
i have issues
i woke up this morning
thinking about a song i sang overseas
warmed up close and easy with a man i didn't love
can't now remember the notes or the rhythm
did i like the way i sounded when i opened my mouth and was my heart really in it?
i can't remember
i can't remember how i even got to there with him
or how i dropped my guards
how i left them standing outside in the rain and didn't worry about whether they would survive the storm
they call that comfort
when a blanket of peace covers you in calm
when second guesses can't find their way to you cause you're shielded by your knowing
comfort
how did you find me and where the hell are you now?

ahhh, yes
you're at a bar lusting for trust while she sits three tables away
confidently flirting with, lusting for fear
to come into her again
and take her whole

she isn't the virgin she claims to be

in a while

seems like we hit rock silence
sitting there thinking but saying nothing
we don't call no more
don't talk so i don't know if we think or if it's just me
pontificating all alone on a rock
in central park

we got real close
stayed away
breathed on each other's personal spaces
then locked doors between us

it's ok
it's good to be able to come back to yourself and find peace still there
but it just took me a while

rodin may have had something
sitting there
thinking

like me now
no longer between you and a hard place
but here
just sitting
on this rock of understanding and peace

i used to feel like i could run to you and that you would be there for me no matter what
but that feeling ended when i said the word friend
it felt like i had somehow cut off your understanding of us
and it felt like you didn't want to have anything else to do with me
i wondered what had happened to my friend until i figured out
we had forgotten to write that chapter of our love

stars fall on my head every single night
shine me back to heartbroken glass from four years before
i walk home
i walk home
i walk home

who will take care of me when i come home?
wings scrape dusty concrete constructing a new place for me to rest my head
i fly high i fly high i fly high

bodies soon caress winds flighty and low
coming closer to heaven with every flash of known light
i love wild i love wild i love wild

words clash on unstoppable street corners
slamming up against strangers whose eyes never before looked
i pray loud
i pray loud
i pray loud

hands sing through the flames
firing off at the mouth busting veins with haste
i dance free
i dance free
i dance free

it's not the pale moon that excites me

i used to revel in your light
your shine used to blind me
brights in the dead of the night

i only ever wanted to be close to you
my only wish was my desire was my purpose
was my downfall

if you never wanted me why didn't you just tell me so
if all you ever wanted was for me to go
how could you let me hold on for so long
if you knew what i didn't know why did you lead me on

something like the promise of you
the wish of kissing you again
i had it in mind to lose it all
my peace and my mind

dear angel eyes
i ran into your memory and realized something
the look in your eyes is
not as much as it was before

i can't hold you here in this heart of mine anymore
can't want the nearness of you
can't debase me any longer
the thrill and delight of you vanished with the darkness of your light

so i'm gone, gone, gone
gone away