in the time between the second i love you and the voice that came aferwards there was a pause
an "oh my god, did she just say that?" breath
a "..........huh?" lift in the air
scene
what will he do now he knows?
is he still packing?
does a smile form now that she has confirmed her love as true?
what does it mean?
they both wonder
she knows her love is real
his love was real first
does that lessen hers?
the difference between a word and a feeling
how do you ever know if they match?
can you know or do you just pray on it and then stand still?
he is dazed and a bit confused
maybe i should have seen her before i left
i regret not seeing her more
or perhaps
she doesn't know what she's talking about
she's young
she just missed me and it made her think she loves me but i know she doesn't (because i know all) and all there is to know is that i loved her first and she didn't love me back and now we're done with that...especially since i'm gone
i'm going
back...home?
back to where i'll be
without her
and far away
did i tell her to visit me?
that she would know where i was and how to find me?
i know i said too much
how did i let her get to me like this?
who IS she?
i think i hate her
for doing this to me and leaving me with no choice in the matter
is it possible to get caught up, alone?
and if it is, is it worth the feeling?
or is it absolutely completely necessary to be joined in holy matrimony?
is one heart full of love enough to satisfy this life?
she smiles
because she's already done all her thinking and wondering and even a bit of worrying
and she knows what it feels like to love and not be loved back
but she is not worried about that
her love is enough to fill the glass full
to make it capsize and drown in its own thoughts
he is to her the feeling of being wanted
love?
of being wanted in a real way
love?
lust
is it love?
does she love him?
or does she lust him?
and does he love her?
is there any love in it at all?
love needs lust, yes?
so where does one end and the other begin?
and has love had a chance in this time-limited atmosphere?
well, who knows?
neither she nor he
but they do feel
and what is felt has been shared
and perhaps that is all anyone ever needs
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
teddy
warm and soft
always soft
and fuzzy maybe
but not too fuzzy
not fuzzy enough that he would shed in my bed
because it was still my bed
i've never been good at sharing
i have a sister and if she hates me because of it i couldn't argue or be upset
i'm not selfish though
i just am not good at sharing
not even with the teddy bear i bought myself after i realized i was not the girl who would receive gifts from men
grammar school and i was already making conclusions about the life i would live
how it would look and feel
and i just knew it wouldn't be full with teddy bears
at least not ones i didn't buy myself
no gifts for me
i had seen the gargantuan dog/stuffed animal (what do they stuff those big things with?!)
my friend had received from one of her boyfriends (VERY important distinction)
so i had very high expectations
not so much for that year
but yes, in life
they never realized
my expectations for stuffed animals i mean, not my actual obtaining of teddy bears (or stuffed animals--a much lesser distinction)
because i did indeed begin getting teddy bears, and other stuffed things
because i like the softness of them all
and the closeness they allow me
and i said to myself, "self, you are in control of your destiny. if YOU want teddy bears and stuffed animals, you better dig in those pockets of yours and keep yourself warm, cause ain't nobody gonna do for you what you can't do for yourself!"
i feel in control of my relationships with the stuffed lifelessness of them
i can bring them close or toss them around
if i don't agree with the way they are acting, i can forget about them for days--months even
i found my loving black dog underneath my bed after months of wondering, "now where is he?" but never really acting on my wonderment
i was alright alone
because i'm used to sleeping alone
and perhaps it all comes full circle
because once you get used to something that seems so foreign to the rest of creation you become unlike the rest
and your actions fall from the norm and become
taboo
not sweet as taboo
not sweet at all actually
more like lonely as taboo
this is my story
of how i became so self-sufficient
and how i walk around single
always
and maybe will
always
how i'm okay with it most of the time
don't think about it more than half the time, unless someone momentarily peaks my interest
until they fade away into the back rooms of my memory
disappear into wardrobes of my mind and become worlds i...may have one day known, but i'm not actually quite so sure whether they were really real or, "was that a dream??"
how things outside of myself really are all wonderfully soft, but honestly un- or at least underappreciated beautiful black teddy bear-like stuffed dogs that may one day resurface as a lost love of mine
and even when refound is still part of the past
only to be registered as such and thrown in a basket
so i can look at them and remember sometimes
and wonder, "now why didn't i do something more with them?"
or think, "sure would've been nice..."
as if it wasn't my own fault that the knocking of opportunity
that the warmth that could have been
and the wealth of softfeelings i would have garnered from just the chance to be close--even if momentarily awkward or uncomfortable--was lost to the time i sat around talking about all the should haves and could haves i could have had
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
warm and soft
always soft
and fuzzy maybe
but not too fuzzy
not fuzzy enough that he would shed in my bed
because it was still my bed
i've never been good at sharing
i have a sister and if she hates me because of it i couldn't argue or be upset
i'm not selfish though
i just am not good at sharing
not even with the teddy bear i bought myself after i realized i was not the girl who would receive gifts from men
grammar school and i was already making conclusions about the life i would live
how it would look and feel
and i just knew it wouldn't be full with teddy bears
at least not ones i didn't buy myself
no gifts for me
i had seen the gargantuan dog/stuffed animal (what do they stuff those big things with?!)
my friend had received from one of her boyfriends (VERY important distinction)
so i had very high expectations
not so much for that year
but yes, in life
they never realized
my expectations for stuffed animals i mean, not my actual obtaining of teddy bears (or stuffed animals--a much lesser distinction)
because i did indeed begin getting teddy bears, and other stuffed things
because i like the softness of them all
and the closeness they allow me
and i said to myself, "self, you are in control of your destiny. if YOU want teddy bears and stuffed animals, you better dig in those pockets of yours and keep yourself warm, cause ain't nobody gonna do for you what you can't do for yourself!"
i feel in control of my relationships with the stuffed lifelessness of them
i can bring them close or toss them around
if i don't agree with the way they are acting, i can forget about them for days--months even
i found my loving black dog underneath my bed after months of wondering, "now where is he?" but never really acting on my wonderment
i was alright alone
because i'm used to sleeping alone
and perhaps it all comes full circle
because once you get used to something that seems so foreign to the rest of creation you become unlike the rest
and your actions fall from the norm and become
taboo
not sweet as taboo
not sweet at all actually
more like lonely as taboo
this is my story
of how i became so self-sufficient
and how i walk around single
always
and maybe will
always
how i'm okay with it most of the time
don't think about it more than half the time, unless someone momentarily peaks my interest
until they fade away into the back rooms of my memory
disappear into wardrobes of my mind and become worlds i...may have one day known, but i'm not actually quite so sure whether they were really real or, "was that a dream??"
how things outside of myself really are all wonderfully soft, but honestly un- or at least underappreciated beautiful black teddy bear-like stuffed dogs that may one day resurface as a lost love of mine
and even when refound is still part of the past
only to be registered as such and thrown in a basket
so i can look at them and remember sometimes
and wonder, "now why didn't i do something more with them?"
or think, "sure would've been nice..."
as if it wasn't my own fault that the knocking of opportunity
that the warmth that could have been
and the wealth of softfeelings i would have garnered from just the chance to be close--even if momentarily awkward or uncomfortable--was lost to the time i sat around talking about all the should haves and could haves i could have had
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
may i steal you back from the country that took you from me?
may i place you back into the palm of my hand? and myself in yours?
may i see you tomorrow night? or the next?
may i look deeply into you and separate fact from fiction?
may i hear your stories told again and again and listen just as intently as i did the first night? (and the second and third too?)
may i take something from you that you will no longer have to give away that i can then keep for always?
siempre?
may i hold you like i used to hold the teddy bears i bought myself?
may i carry around the receipt, knowing all the time i will never return for a return?
may i sing you a night covered with stars up above crashing water and unsafe looking rocks?
be as happy as i was when you called me by name, then reissued my i.d., renaming me as "beauty"?
touch my hands to black and white keys and all of a sudden come to know the music that wells in me? become color manifest in song? make something out of nothing?
rename you mine?
see your smile and take my cue to return the favor?
may i come again
to know you
and to know you well
better and better each time the sun comes to shine over us?
if i may, then i shall
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
may i place you back into the palm of my hand? and myself in yours?
may i see you tomorrow night? or the next?
may i look deeply into you and separate fact from fiction?
may i hear your stories told again and again and listen just as intently as i did the first night? (and the second and third too?)
may i take something from you that you will no longer have to give away that i can then keep for always?
siempre?
may i hold you like i used to hold the teddy bears i bought myself?
may i carry around the receipt, knowing all the time i will never return for a return?
may i sing you a night covered with stars up above crashing water and unsafe looking rocks?
be as happy as i was when you called me by name, then reissued my i.d., renaming me as "beauty"?
touch my hands to black and white keys and all of a sudden come to know the music that wells in me? become color manifest in song? make something out of nothing?
rename you mine?
see your smile and take my cue to return the favor?
may i come again
to know you
and to know you well
better and better each time the sun comes to shine over us?
if i may, then i shall
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
tonight you came into plain sight
i saw where you had been in my living room before
hot and in heat
and my head on your lap
but my head had closed my heart to you
and i saw you being tired
of feeling for naught
with no remorse
and with no reciprocation
i saw your love
smoky like a shadow
get the hell up and walk the hell out
but you stayed
seated
hot and in heat
but from then on without the heart that had chosen to love me
lacking the luster that had once made me shine
so that upon my first "no"
it also became my last
and yours became undone
that night you stayed
wrapped up in confusion, anger, and a mere 200-count version of the infinite magic we had once shared
the next morning you left on my train
and i was left behind to wonder what i had done wrong
but really i knew that it had all gone wrong
was done
and over
and no more would i see you
or feel you
or hear you
and i had to deal with my shock and eventual sorrow and even
regret
i think i may now be ready now
having looked back and reassessed words and actions lived before now
reinterpreted a line or two
ready
to give you what you deserve
and to be no longer symmetrical and impervious to pain
but for real
and for you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i saw where you had been in my living room before
hot and in heat
and my head on your lap
but my head had closed my heart to you
and i saw you being tired
of feeling for naught
with no remorse
and with no reciprocation
i saw your love
smoky like a shadow
get the hell up and walk the hell out
but you stayed
seated
hot and in heat
but from then on without the heart that had chosen to love me
lacking the luster that had once made me shine
so that upon my first "no"
it also became my last
and yours became undone
that night you stayed
wrapped up in confusion, anger, and a mere 200-count version of the infinite magic we had once shared
the next morning you left on my train
and i was left behind to wonder what i had done wrong
but really i knew that it had all gone wrong
was done
and over
and no more would i see you
or feel you
or hear you
and i had to deal with my shock and eventual sorrow and even
regret
i think i may now be ready now
having looked back and reassessed words and actions lived before now
reinterpreted a line or two
ready
to give you what you deserve
and to be no longer symmetrical and impervious to pain
but for real
and for you
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
here now
i realized recently that life doesn't stop happening when we get married
that when i leap out on faith and over a broom
i may have to go back to work after that three-week hiadus
i was hoping for something more unrealistic
where both me and my husband had a life where we could just sit on the porch and stare at God's glory every day
and be thankful he had found us for each other
be present during the sunrise and sunset
holding each other
close and cool
just because
but i realized this
and i don't know where my real eyes started to see this unfortunate reality
but i must admit, it made me a bit less excited about the whole thing
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
i realized recently that life doesn't stop happening when we get married
that when i leap out on faith and over a broom
i may have to go back to work after that three-week hiadus
i was hoping for something more unrealistic
where both me and my husband had a life where we could just sit on the porch and stare at God's glory every day
and be thankful he had found us for each other
be present during the sunrise and sunset
holding each other
close and cool
just because
but i realized this
and i don't know where my real eyes started to see this unfortunate reality
but i must admit, it made me a bit less excited about the whole thing
Copyright © 2006 by Arin Lawrence
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