I write so as to simulate the potential of speaking out loud. I have silenced myself with words and hands and ink. What I love to do is less a passion and more an escape from the prison I’ve closed myself into.
When I fail myself and say not the words that come to mind in out loud moments, I sit down and write instead.
This is a freedom I exercise freely. Speech is too, but something reaches up and chokes my voice off from speaking my mind. And this is so far from who I am—this quiet unspoken thought. It comes from something like fear, but I haven’t been able to figure out what I fear.
I think a couple of the fears are of hurting someone else’s feelings and of remaining alone. A friend told me one time not to be afraid of losing something I don’t have. Good advice, but spoken by a man with a lady-friend.
Wisdom, I think, comes easy to those with tools of comfort in hand.
All the same, I am in hopes of losing this silence thing soon and very soon.

Prayers welcome.

This weekend talking to a friend he sounded bruised as he wondered out loud why I hadn’t sent him any myspace messages or called him recently. I was unmoved.

I thought to myself (without saying out loud) maybe it’s because I’m without the ability to feel right now. Maybe it’s because you were supposed to come over and didn’t, and didn’t call, and I wondered why you didn’t respond to me when I wanted to be answered.

And this is where I’m coming from today. Addressing my need to be answered, and responded to. Is that more than anyone can do right now? Is this life not one that can be stopped for just a moment here and there to pay attention to something as important as I hope I am?

rt9

do have the privilege of calling you whenever i want to?
for whatever i want to?

you say
you're easy
and i've been told i'm complex
but i know i'm not all that difficult to get
and what i can see already
and clear as day
is that what i need
might outweigh what you're offering up for sale
and i'm not buying

so we may have what people like to call
a conflict of interests
and perhaps
we'll be better off
as friends

rt8

Thursday evening cold and something is falling apart

meet-er

if you can catch a girl
several feet away
with your right eye
and keep her from lying and eating McDonald's fries
with just the goodness of your being
you are 9.75 on a scale of 10

if you can smile and draw water from a well that's been dry for years, you have exceeded the limits of this meter

you cannot be contained

if you can return warmth to a woman grown so accustomed to the cold she quivers at the sight of an icepick

if you can hold her close having heard the unsteady beat of her heart and still fell in love with her rhythm

if you are conscious and capable of love without confines

if your name is. . .
and your voice belongs to the sea whose depth has brought miracles to light

the the extent of you can go just as far as you want it to go

what is this feeling you give me?

this path i'm walking away from my past and closer to freedom
the slip and fall of it all is enticing
the icing on my cake
or cookie
if you're really sweet

what is this that you do?
taking me away from the lies i tell
the denial

i think i'm in love

you could make me cry
maybe a little sad because i can't keep you forever
trapped, safe, and unfree
but really
i don't want your freedom
not to steal away
just to borrow
to keep you close
in cold times
i just don't want to know i'm sharing you
but i want the truth
and then i want you to hold me

mind adventures

we live most of our lives in fantasy
much more than in reality

that's what dreams are made for

undone-for E3

i remember when you were a little baby
i changed your diapers
cleaned your messes
laughed at your faces

i remember you, little brother
you grew up so fast, too fast
i can't hold you anymore for as long as i want
can't pretend you belong to me
that you came from my making

but i remember little brother
when you were but a happy baby
waiting to be cared for

rt7

i want to feel so pure
so clean as to know you before you even tell me
your name

i [am] constantly find[ing] myself falling backwards into these things
i never/seldom get injured
i guess due to my good periphery
though have you ever noticed how glasses block vision sometimes in the process of refining it?

back to the future is usually my stance
trying to figure out all of what just happened
(often times 6 years before)
and life is flashing behind my back
going on and on
i don't see all the transmutations taking place

****

i have stopped one photo for another in a matter of weeks
all the time not knowing i had put myself back on the market of tangible potentially havable goods

maybe i should turn around and try dancing with today at a reasonable pace with open eyes
and open heart
put down my needles for just a moment
allow someone to come close without the threat of injury
or temporary-ness

i have a woken in my bed with a new stranger before
today is not so futuristic
eyes have opened in this way before
lips have this way been kissed previous to now
this night has told me no new stories
spoken in a familiar voice all my own

if you are your brother's keeper
who then will keep me from the temptation of my own wiles?
it is time for me to rise from who and what i have been and to realize
skin, thoughts, kisses that are full with something more
than momentary bliss

i don't know if we can be friends but i do know i won't take pieces of you
i didn't entrust you
never really trusted you, but i gave to you pieces of me
i wish you weren't so afraid and fearful
because i think maybe if you weren't so afraid neither would i be
and i think we could have gone farther
but we couldn't

so here we are

rt6

what can i do to get you to reach out to me more?

rt5

i need a verbal response to the thoughts i gave you
i am f(x) where x=response

RT 4
i love you through your words
when you speak to me

random thought 3

i cd stay between your kiss all day long
get stuck here
never again to see

random though 2
got my eyes on you
u got me in this compromising position
listening watching out for you
if you'll wait for me
i'll wait on you

i don't want to have 2 win you
i want you 2 choose me

38-end

There was this one week when I fell in and out of something like sunshine
Wednesday whole
Friday gone
And all (I think) because I think too much
And because I have trained myself to want for perfection—or God
--and not for perfection in you
but perfection towards me from you

so seldom is this the action plan:
to do for another what you would in theory have them do for you
but my hope lives on and on
so that one day
I won’t have to author a prose about falling in and then out of love

I will have fallen
And can’t get up

38-part deux

Or maybe your mother
Was just real sweet
And even passed
Some down the line
To you
So that on this
first really sunny
day of springtime
you would come to
give me a kiss
on the right cheek
with your cocoa
colored lips
soft and
best friend/
big brother dry-wet
like not

having a phone is
this thing I really
kind of expect from
whoever my lover
or loved will be
and less a phone
than potential
reach out and
touch ability
which I feel you
lack
even with your
age over mine
and life seemingly
quite established
or enuf to enjoy
fishing

oh I’m sorry
just got distracted
by changing trains
and the beautiful
polite Spaniard man
passing by
he waited
and then smiled
and looked back
and back
and back
and the only reason
I know is because
I looked back
And back
And back
But back to you
Something I know
Is that
Me doesn’t like it
When you say
You will but
You don’t

This ‘was supposed to
but didn’t’ especially
when paired with
an ‘I thought he
would but he didn’t
so we didn’t’
comes crashing down
inside of my brain
just like the
wood-grain blocks
of jenga
falling down
with immediacy
due to a lack of
adequate care
or effort to
keep things standing
and intact

so maybe your
mother, who
knits and crochets
by the way,
taught you
sweet and polite
and time has
shown you the
intrigue of the
remix

38 makes me write

I walked across a manhattan street today
coming from seeing you
teeth all out
cheeks raised
sun warmin me all over my body

and you
you came back to me
like the present memory you are
had me grabbing for my digi-cam
so I cd capture the things I see in and ‘round every single day
to pair ‘em up with the goodness you gave me

(you) talk slow
I don’t know how long my ears can take
hearing the same question voiced different by you
on a different day
Even if I do like the sound of your talk
I suppose
if exception is to be made this can be it
But how fast my mind does move when you’re in it
Around up
and through what could have
and always have been
not so sweet realizations by me of several others he’s

I’m kind of
leisurely crawling back
on my hands and knees
Cause I still don’t know how to walk
And yes
After 24 years
Falling into 25
You can still call me baby
And be right
Ahh me
But when you kissed me on my cheek
Thoughts came that put me to no certain shame
Cause you don’t bring me any kind of misery
Or ecstasy really
Thought if you want to…

I mean
I guess I’m saying
I don’t really mind repeating myself
as long as when I do I can look in your eyes
and find my little bit of sunshine to stand in