p.s./note to self
people seem to not like being grouped
or categorized
even by real standards of self
like height
or culture
or even things as definitive as age

i guess we're all heading or at least aiming
for something new and special
not unidentifiable, but not so predictable

i wonder is it because "predictable" carries wit it the stigma of being boring?
or because nobody wants to be known before they're really known?

i see--or understand both sides of the coin

sometimes though
i think commonality is cool
like the things that tie us together
or even the things that we remember are in turn the things that best help us define ourselves
so if i can better know what you remember of her
that comes up again in me maybe i'll understand you
and even me a little better down the road

and maybe on a day when you're particularly quiet
i can deduct the reason why

cause maybe in spite of myself i have become a reflexion of the parts of me
i never intended to be

what is this thing called/that makes me feel so tall/like i've gone to battle and conquered all/like...

when i'm driven to a reckless smile on the train
and everbody thinks i'm insane
your name popping up on my phone
somehow knowing you won't just leave me alone
a soft kiss on my shoulder blade
that sunny smile stuck in your face
your hand on my back--our mixed skin tones
a praise sent up to God for giving you to me on loan

i remember you on dayz like this
when i cd feel the rain before it touched my skin
when it was warm outside, warm within

i remember you on a day like this
when i wd come to you all overwhelmed
and you would give me open ears
and your bright wide smile
so before i cd even start to tell you my trouble
it wd already be gone and forgotten

i remember you on dayz like this
because even though we never said it--we never had to
i knew if i wanted to run away
you wd come with me

i remember seeing you and already knowing you
before i knew

i remember having words to say
and i remember when they fell from my mouth
you caught them in your open hands
and held them close
all the while crafting them into something
more beautiful that what i really said

i remember you
your brown skin and silent moments

i remember the wish in your eyes
of achieving the dreams you dared give birth and life

i remember you on dayz like this

love to remember it was you i loved
sometimes wonder who you
are
but
i remember you
on a day like this

i remember

when you left you lied
put my fears to use
helped me learn to cry
never told me why
never dried my eyes
don't know why but i
still care, still want you
to be somewhere
i can reach you, can touch you
nobody understands
how i can still love you
but i do

all i really wanted was some positive attention, good conversation, quality time, consistency
all the things i say i want you're giving to me
it's a surprise and blessing
these gifts, these memories
you bring me smiles that'll last a while
for real, you make me want to sing

written 6.12.07; 10:57am
i am the sun
i am a beautiful ray of light
i am rich
i am full
i am powerful
i am protected
i was put here for a purpose
i am loved and will be treasured and remembered
forever

you've got a smile stuck in your face
something so sweet can't be erased
(it) makes me lose my mind, leaving useless things behind
just a little thank you for my sunshine

at the swaddling age of twenty four
thirty eight men came knocking at my door

I write so as to simulate the potential of speaking out loud. I have silenced myself with words and hands and ink. What I love to do is less a passion and more an escape from the prison I’ve closed myself into.
When I fail myself and say not the words that come to mind in out loud moments, I sit down and write instead.
This is a freedom I exercise freely. Speech is too, but something reaches up and chokes my voice off from speaking my mind. And this is so far from who I am—this quiet unspoken thought. It comes from something like fear, but I haven’t been able to figure out what I fear.
I think a couple of the fears are of hurting someone else’s feelings and of remaining alone. A friend told me one time not to be afraid of losing something I don’t have. Good advice, but spoken by a man with a lady-friend.
Wisdom, I think, comes easy to those with tools of comfort in hand.
All the same, I am in hopes of losing this silence thing soon and very soon.

Prayers welcome.

This weekend talking to a friend he sounded bruised as he wondered out loud why I hadn’t sent him any myspace messages or called him recently. I was unmoved.

I thought to myself (without saying out loud) maybe it’s because I’m without the ability to feel right now. Maybe it’s because you were supposed to come over and didn’t, and didn’t call, and I wondered why you didn’t respond to me when I wanted to be answered.

And this is where I’m coming from today. Addressing my need to be answered, and responded to. Is that more than anyone can do right now? Is this life not one that can be stopped for just a moment here and there to pay attention to something as important as I hope I am?

rt9

do have the privilege of calling you whenever i want to?
for whatever i want to?

you say
you're easy
and i've been told i'm complex
but i know i'm not all that difficult to get
and what i can see already
and clear as day
is that what i need
might outweigh what you're offering up for sale
and i'm not buying

so we may have what people like to call
a conflict of interests
and perhaps
we'll be better off
as friends

rt8

Thursday evening cold and something is falling apart

meet-er

if you can catch a girl
several feet away
with your right eye
and keep her from lying and eating McDonald's fries
with just the goodness of your being
you are 9.75 on a scale of 10

if you can smile and draw water from a well that's been dry for years, you have exceeded the limits of this meter

you cannot be contained

if you can return warmth to a woman grown so accustomed to the cold she quivers at the sight of an icepick

if you can hold her close having heard the unsteady beat of her heart and still fell in love with her rhythm

if you are conscious and capable of love without confines

if your name is. . .
and your voice belongs to the sea whose depth has brought miracles to light

the the extent of you can go just as far as you want it to go

what is this feeling you give me?

this path i'm walking away from my past and closer to freedom
the slip and fall of it all is enticing
the icing on my cake
or cookie
if you're really sweet

what is this that you do?
taking me away from the lies i tell
the denial

i think i'm in love

you could make me cry
maybe a little sad because i can't keep you forever
trapped, safe, and unfree
but really
i don't want your freedom
not to steal away
just to borrow
to keep you close
in cold times
i just don't want to know i'm sharing you
but i want the truth
and then i want you to hold me

mind adventures

we live most of our lives in fantasy
much more than in reality

that's what dreams are made for

undone-for E3

i remember when you were a little baby
i changed your diapers
cleaned your messes
laughed at your faces

i remember you, little brother
you grew up so fast, too fast
i can't hold you anymore for as long as i want
can't pretend you belong to me
that you came from my making

but i remember little brother
when you were but a happy baby
waiting to be cared for

rt7

i want to feel so pure
so clean as to know you before you even tell me
your name

i [am] constantly find[ing] myself falling backwards into these things
i never/seldom get injured
i guess due to my good periphery
though have you ever noticed how glasses block vision sometimes in the process of refining it?

back to the future is usually my stance
trying to figure out all of what just happened
(often times 6 years before)
and life is flashing behind my back
going on and on
i don't see all the transmutations taking place

****

i have stopped one photo for another in a matter of weeks
all the time not knowing i had put myself back on the market of tangible potentially havable goods

maybe i should turn around and try dancing with today at a reasonable pace with open eyes
and open heart
put down my needles for just a moment
allow someone to come close without the threat of injury
or temporary-ness

i have a woken in my bed with a new stranger before
today is not so futuristic
eyes have opened in this way before
lips have this way been kissed previous to now
this night has told me no new stories
spoken in a familiar voice all my own

if you are your brother's keeper
who then will keep me from the temptation of my own wiles?
it is time for me to rise from who and what i have been and to realize
skin, thoughts, kisses that are full with something more
than momentary bliss

i don't know if we can be friends but i do know i won't take pieces of you
i didn't entrust you
never really trusted you, but i gave to you pieces of me
i wish you weren't so afraid and fearful
because i think maybe if you weren't so afraid neither would i be
and i think we could have gone farther
but we couldn't

so here we are

rt6

what can i do to get you to reach out to me more?

rt5

i need a verbal response to the thoughts i gave you
i am f(x) where x=response

RT 4
i love you through your words
when you speak to me

random thought 3

i cd stay between your kiss all day long
get stuck here
never again to see

random though 2
got my eyes on you
u got me in this compromising position
listening watching out for you
if you'll wait for me
i'll wait on you

i don't want to have 2 win you
i want you 2 choose me

38-end

There was this one week when I fell in and out of something like sunshine
Wednesday whole
Friday gone
And all (I think) because I think too much
And because I have trained myself to want for perfection—or God
--and not for perfection in you
but perfection towards me from you

so seldom is this the action plan:
to do for another what you would in theory have them do for you
but my hope lives on and on
so that one day
I won’t have to author a prose about falling in and then out of love

I will have fallen
And can’t get up

38-part deux

Or maybe your mother
Was just real sweet
And even passed
Some down the line
To you
So that on this
first really sunny
day of springtime
you would come to
give me a kiss
on the right cheek
with your cocoa
colored lips
soft and
best friend/
big brother dry-wet
like not

having a phone is
this thing I really
kind of expect from
whoever my lover
or loved will be
and less a phone
than potential
reach out and
touch ability
which I feel you
lack
even with your
age over mine
and life seemingly
quite established
or enuf to enjoy
fishing

oh I’m sorry
just got distracted
by changing trains
and the beautiful
polite Spaniard man
passing by
he waited
and then smiled
and looked back
and back
and back
and the only reason
I know is because
I looked back
And back
And back
But back to you
Something I know
Is that
Me doesn’t like it
When you say
You will but
You don’t

This ‘was supposed to
but didn’t’ especially
when paired with
an ‘I thought he
would but he didn’t
so we didn’t’
comes crashing down
inside of my brain
just like the
wood-grain blocks
of jenga
falling down
with immediacy
due to a lack of
adequate care
or effort to
keep things standing
and intact

so maybe your
mother, who
knits and crochets
by the way,
taught you
sweet and polite
and time has
shown you the
intrigue of the
remix

38 makes me write

I walked across a manhattan street today
coming from seeing you
teeth all out
cheeks raised
sun warmin me all over my body

and you
you came back to me
like the present memory you are
had me grabbing for my digi-cam
so I cd capture the things I see in and ‘round every single day
to pair ‘em up with the goodness you gave me

(you) talk slow
I don’t know how long my ears can take
hearing the same question voiced different by you
on a different day
Even if I do like the sound of your talk
I suppose
if exception is to be made this can be it
But how fast my mind does move when you’re in it
Around up
and through what could have
and always have been
not so sweet realizations by me of several others he’s

I’m kind of
leisurely crawling back
on my hands and knees
Cause I still don’t know how to walk
And yes
After 24 years
Falling into 25
You can still call me baby
And be right
Ahh me
But when you kissed me on my cheek
Thoughts came that put me to no certain shame
Cause you don’t bring me any kind of misery
Or ecstasy really
Thought if you want to…

I mean
I guess I’m saying
I don’t really mind repeating myself
as long as when I do I can look in your eyes
and find my little bit of sunshine to stand in

Midnight simplicity


it's simple really
my love for u
u make me smile
make my breath heavy

heaving i pull u close 2 me
and sigh when u lay your head where it's s'posed 2 b

i just happen 2 love u
near and close 2 me
often in spite of where u ought 2b

i prefer u w/ me

note #29
when i call you don't answer

and when i don't call you don't call either

i think of you all the time

used to hope you'd one day be mine

i realize at the time you had no clue who i was

that's why i put myself in the circle of your hug

got to know you through professional situations

found you way beyond imagination

where we've come is nowhere far

but quite close to where we are

you're this great man i know

perhaps i'm that former associate you sometimes hug for show

but whatever it is and whatever we will be

i know i love you

and at least i think you love me

note #17
sometimes
(and i find it an often sometimes)
i really prefer to not be around
people other than myself

especially following artistic expressions of someone else's self

i don't like having to explain myself
don't feel like i should have to
do not like feeling challenged
especially not for no good reason

and sometimes i dislike loud laughter
and don't like announcements

sometimes i just want to be alone

i could look at you all day long

i cd look at you all day long...

with my eyes open i see the face of a boy turned man too quick
eyes lost and found in a life waiting to be lived
set and still hoping for peace and passion

with my open eyes i see feet fast movin on stubborn concrete
trekking towards a something in the distance
getting nearer and nearer every day

i could look at you all day long and all day here is what i'd see

with my eyes closed i feel
lost and found like a fish outta water
throat closing while i'm hoping for water to find me again
so i can swim free

i see darkness opening wide
breaking with the newness of day
turning twisting and contorting as i wrestle with the reality that you are my sea

yes

eyes have these sounds before heard
lips have seen
arms have spoken these ballads i sing to you

when i look at you
i see me
and i don't have to worry about the possibility of bein free

i can just be me

need is a funny word (for g.g.)

i get up with
sex crazy hair
and we didn't even
bone

i sleep this way
naked and open
because this is how you make me feel
free
full of light
(red)
real
essential
(blood-like)

and in each moment we share
i feel like i'm giving you
everything you need

and really that's all
i want to do
let's stay free

When I was in fifth grade, these girls would get on my nerves, saying things like, “We’re going to the store. D’you wanna come with!?” at which point I waited…and waited for them to finish their questions.

They never did—I was appalled.

I would think to myself (in the very moment), “Why are you butchering the English language in such a brutal and vile way? With what? With whom? There is no question mark there! Finish your thought and perhaps I’ll consider coming along!”

It hurt me in an often inexplicable way.

for g.g.

There are things I see in you that remind me of a man I used to love
I thought at a young age that I was to marry him
And so now you have come and shown me a face similar to his and I for some time was of the thought that you would be a mirror to his image

but now I find that you are not so sweet as he
a bit more closed than he
and perhaps scarred to no end

I am compassionate to things like this
as a woman in love with love I understand how its absence can make us dry and bitter and expecting of cold winds in the presence of summer heat

and I understand the shielding of one’s self from these temperaments

what I do not understand is how you can turn away from the shining sun, after having bathed in her warmth and stolen moments in her glory
how you can turn away from all her beauty and then ignore the company she kept, the gifts she gave you when you were shivering and cold?
how can you walk with you head raised when you are one who has raped the sun
and robbed her of even a moment of her own radiance?

When I can write a detailed description of what happened and nothing comes of it but words and sounds—maybe colors—it appears that the only thing lacking might be feeling.
What are we feeling?
And if we’re not feeling anything, then what are we doing?

when you have something to say and you’re the only one who knows it
you’re stuck in this goo-ish type of feeling
of wanting to say more but knowing that you may be the only one
confessions are like that
they have the power to transform what could be and might be trust into a very different creature

Sitting at a desk
Unable to focus
Eyes on my mind
Arms wrapped tight
Never let me go
And sunlight coming in thick and heavy with light
Blinds me in the morning
Got something to say
But no ears to talk them to
Is this the caught up I’ve heard so much about

Can’t say I’m pleased to meet you
But here you are
Discombobulating me
Debalancing me
Loving me to unsteady

I don’t want to have to think of you when I can’t have you
Missing you is not on my agenda
But here you are
Kissing me
Touching me
Loving me to unsteady

About you I feel good
Not indescribable
But not in need of explanation

—clean and simple

and then just like that it was like her mind changed. like he had somehow transferred a new way of being to her. changed her. no more useless chatter. less talk meant more art. less talk, the less time was wasted. the more space there was for creation. less was lost on others. more preserved for self. and since art was the highest form of self-preservation anyway, this seemed right?

But what of all the others? would missed calls remain just that? what of human interaction? and what of inspiration by outside forces.

She heard her answer from within. Balance, it said. Strike the necessary balance to created and sustain creation.

and this was good.

i think one of the most puzzling things about the whole divorce thing is working out the way it confuses the definition of love

like…if we’re married and we got married because of love, and divorced because the love is gone, then what really is love? and how can you lose it? and how, if it can disappear, do you ever really know it’s there?

like…what determines love? that you like the sound of my voice? that we enjoy each other’s company? that we can stand each other long enuf to make each other smile?
is that love?

And even if it is, how do we know it’ll still be there tomorrow?

if i say all that i think how does it make you feel?
do you like to hear my voice?
your voice is strong
diligent and powerful
conscious of its own weight and range
you seem to think i want to be involved with knowing you
like i care as much as i do to really come to get you
i hold my arms out before me
palms facing you
your eyes squint
neck tilts
i close my eyes
start my inner conversation with God
he tells me-she tells me
that you, who have so many reasons to doubt,
have already boarded the flight towards which i am pacing
that your bags are stowed,
your seatbelt clamped,
and your heart steady

i read the language when i originally purchased the ticket
non-refundable, non-transferrable, non-returnable
but still my muscles keep me slow and way behind
late for take off
my seat is across the aisle from you
beside you
close enuf to reach out
and touch you
and i want to touch you

i have gotten so used to being touched
to touching without trust
i fear the gravity of my emotional potential
do i board this flight?
shall i join you in the air?
stop this game of living without loving?

final call
i hear my name
passengers all aboard
you open your eyes, turn your head towards my seat

and there i stand with my back to you
securing my belongings in the stowaway compartment
you reach out, sqeeze what is yours

i smile over my shoulder
i have said my prayers
God - he and she - has given me the go ahead
has signed off of the possibility of you
and i have trusted
i take my seat
fasten my seatbelt, your eyes holding me in place
i see your eyes full with wonder and hope
but mostly wondering what this flight will be like
if we will arrive safely and on time
i lift mine eyes to yours
and commit to breaking down, for the whole journey,
all that has kept me from flying until now

my furrowed brow relaxes as i take you into my eyes as the gift you are,
reach out to you with my left hand
your right hand in mine,
i am now ready to fly

reflexions
I like it best when you smile
Little boy inside jumps out and up into my arms
A virtual hug ensues and I just get happy
My immediate response is to smile back
I have no other honest option
It’s more a reflex really
Like some people will do most anything for money
And how if I suck your thumb you get excited
I smile when you smile
And maybe when I do that you keep smiling for just a little bit longer
Cause you see me for that moment
In you

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
-James Baldwin

We almost lost us between your legs and mine
24 years after a wonderful birth and a wonderful life lived I find myself wondering if there’s anything more to us

I do see lights all around
Both now and in their coming

I admit it
I want to say more of you than the warmth of your body close to mine
Want our mouths to create melodies that only we will understand by the shapes of our eyes
May the dance in our bodies be met with light music floating us closer and closer without the loss of clothes or innocence

The answer is yes
There is more than nudity
More than clean sheets stained by lust

Are you willing to leave lust alone for a while
While we open our eyes to words yet unspoken
Smiles yet unleashed
And time not yet ticked

Please say yes
so i can for once choose you
instead of me

so that i can this time say yes
instead of no