(for you)
last night after we got off the phone, i admittedly called my friend back who had called me during the last five minutes of our conversation. as you know, i seek counsel in my friends. i told her about what i felt had been our awkward exchange and told her what i didn't tell you: that i don't think we're truly attracted to each other.
i think our recent interaction was one born of the situation at hand--closeness in a time that was rare. i explained my understanding of attraction as the knowing you have when you're around someone who is attracted to you and vice versa. it's something about the way you look in their eyes and they way they talk to you...it's a feeling; something you know just as well as i do because we are one in the same and we want the same things.
i don't feel like we want them from each other though. our friendship is so calm and peaceful and mostly perfect.
and something i just thought about and the reason i'm writing this now is the nost important thought i've had about the whole possibility you raised.
if we did ever try (again) to be us, for me, it would have to be a forever thing. because in that time i would know (or want to know) that we were completely meant to be. with someone like you who i think i know so well, i think the realization that i didn't know you so well would be really weird and somehow painful. and i think maybe i fear the reality of the chance that we may NOT be meant to be. and i don't want to have to face that, because i love you more than you'll ever know.
in this moment, it doesn't seem to me that we have all the essential elements of an everlasting love, or not in a deeper context than the one in which we now exist.
i do do do truly love you and would never even allow the chance to come that you not know that. these are my thoughts, my feelings, my fears.
i didn't want these words to go unsaid.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
--excerpt--
We had met at the beginning of the third week in June. It was the day after my mother’s birthday and the rain had fallen, leaving the sky red and bursting with energy long into the night.
And that is where we met, at a bar called red sky. He introduced himself and I smiled out of surprise and satisfaction that he’d been able to speak without spewing sexual tension all over the bar floor.
We talked and gestured and laughed and when it was time for me to leave, I stayed to be with him and know him.
He was tall and dark brown skinned. And older. Smart in a powerful way. Intelligent and consciously present for every sound I made. Compelling and in reach.
When he kissed my cheek goodnight, I felt complete, like we had already conquered the beginning and could now move towards the meat of the middle.
We had met at the beginning of the third week in June. It was the day after my mother’s birthday and the rain had fallen, leaving the sky red and bursting with energy long into the night.
And that is where we met, at a bar called red sky. He introduced himself and I smiled out of surprise and satisfaction that he’d been able to speak without spewing sexual tension all over the bar floor.
We talked and gestured and laughed and when it was time for me to leave, I stayed to be with him and know him.
He was tall and dark brown skinned. And older. Smart in a powerful way. Intelligent and consciously present for every sound I made. Compelling and in reach.
When he kissed my cheek goodnight, I felt complete, like we had already conquered the beginning and could now move towards the meat of the middle.
Friday, June 02, 2006
(for r.b.)
brown boy. afro. on the street flagging down supershuttle.
ghetto-fabulous.
crown-royal jacket. two men.
tall and short. country and grammar?
we got grammar.
inside:
dark and loud. at 3:45 in the morning!
WHY?
why not sleep?
who knows?
and a white girl.
too much talk.
extra-friendly.
too early.
and my mouth shut in deference to the peace that wishes to surround.
talk, words, talk.
articulate and well-spoken.
he and her.
environmental woes...
knows how to give love?
arkansas, that may explain it.
Hello.
Hello.
Have a great flight.
Politician are you?
[i can't get over crown royal]
and on the way to chicago after liberal vermont and littered on new york.
learn to travel better
what about me?
a look--a brief stare
it is 4 o'clock in the morning!
what do you want from me?
all that noise and you give ME silence?
do i evoke such responses?
(did i forget the pick? and a metal one at that.)
high school and parts of college. even after, i wondered, what's wrong with me?
is it something in my eyes that keeps them away?
i know your whole life story and still no hello.
in college i heard 'intimidated' and i would laugh.
who's afraid of the dark?
get a life and keep it moving.
i didn't want the blame--still don't.
in high school, we decided if they didn't want us they were gay.
but gay is as friendly as they get, isn't it?
then when i moved to new york it was unapproachable.
and i remembered my thoughts as i walked on by:
i dare you.
what could you possibly have for me?
...maybe i did give off the wrong vibe.
so now i'm recreated.
i smile at strangers who take the non-clue and begin to speak.
i don't want to talk to you!
and NO i don't want your number!!!
just smile; it's more that enuf.
satisfaction takes so many different forms.
but this one, crown royal, just like so many, but unique like a very select few.
it's not me, it's you, who speaks to everyone breathing but me.
the people who really matter i suppose.
those who you may never see again. may their lives be touched my your loving-kindness.
of course my "are you my husband?" radar may have been up too high. yes, even at 3:45 in the morning. especially after country turned to grammar.
variegated.
and do i speak?
with no silence it is difficult to (insert word here).
and blank stares have a way of detaining even the most outspoken of us all.
so what of meaning? what words are to be spoken, mr. country man in a liberal town on his way to the area surrounding the big city?
keep looking, never speaking.
and talk to those [women] who do dote on you, knowing the whole time, it is your reality you do avoid.
brown boy. afro. on the street flagging down supershuttle.
ghetto-fabulous.
crown-royal jacket. two men.
tall and short. country and grammar?
we got grammar.
inside:
dark and loud. at 3:45 in the morning!
WHY?
why not sleep?
who knows?
and a white girl.
too much talk.
extra-friendly.
too early.
and my mouth shut in deference to the peace that wishes to surround.
talk, words, talk.
articulate and well-spoken.
he and her.
environmental woes...
knows how to give love?
arkansas, that may explain it.
Hello.
Hello.
Have a great flight.
Politician are you?
[i can't get over crown royal]
and on the way to chicago after liberal vermont and littered on new york.
learn to travel better
what about me?
a look--a brief stare
it is 4 o'clock in the morning!
what do you want from me?
all that noise and you give ME silence?
do i evoke such responses?
(did i forget the pick? and a metal one at that.)
high school and parts of college. even after, i wondered, what's wrong with me?
is it something in my eyes that keeps them away?
i know your whole life story and still no hello.
in college i heard 'intimidated' and i would laugh.
who's afraid of the dark?
get a life and keep it moving.
i didn't want the blame--still don't.
in high school, we decided if they didn't want us they were gay.
but gay is as friendly as they get, isn't it?
then when i moved to new york it was unapproachable.
and i remembered my thoughts as i walked on by:
i dare you.
what could you possibly have for me?
...maybe i did give off the wrong vibe.
so now i'm recreated.
i smile at strangers who take the non-clue and begin to speak.
i don't want to talk to you!
and NO i don't want your number!!!
just smile; it's more that enuf.
satisfaction takes so many different forms.
but this one, crown royal, just like so many, but unique like a very select few.
it's not me, it's you, who speaks to everyone breathing but me.
the people who really matter i suppose.
those who you may never see again. may their lives be touched my your loving-kindness.
of course my "are you my husband?" radar may have been up too high. yes, even at 3:45 in the morning. especially after country turned to grammar.
variegated.
and do i speak?
with no silence it is difficult to (insert word here).
and blank stares have a way of detaining even the most outspoken of us all.
so what of meaning? what words are to be spoken, mr. country man in a liberal town on his way to the area surrounding the big city?
keep looking, never speaking.
and talk to those [women] who do dote on you, knowing the whole time, it is your reality you do avoid.
Mr. Childhood
Men.
With them i share my secrets, or my truths, as there are few secrets with me. In them i see so much hope and determination. A twinkle in their eyes, a smile lodged deep in their cheeks.
Their countenance lights with the sound of children's laughter.
The train's doors close, "ding-dong" and a little boy mocks the sound. Over and over again. Easy to amuse has amused the grown folks. And we all smile because he's brought us some unexpected joy on a rainy day.
The knowing comes to us that we've all wanted to 'ding-dong' ourselves at some point.
We smile because we didn't for shame of being recognized as the children who so badly want release inside of us.
We love noise and laughter.
We love freedom and the sight of a smile on someone else's lips. Teeth bared.
Men.
With them i share my secrets, or my truths, as there are few secrets with me. In them i see so much hope and determination. A twinkle in their eyes, a smile lodged deep in their cheeks.
Their countenance lights with the sound of children's laughter.
The train's doors close, "ding-dong" and a little boy mocks the sound. Over and over again. Easy to amuse has amused the grown folks. And we all smile because he's brought us some unexpected joy on a rainy day.
The knowing comes to us that we've all wanted to 'ding-dong' ourselves at some point.
We smile because we didn't for shame of being recognized as the children who so badly want release inside of us.
We love noise and laughter.
We love freedom and the sight of a smile on someone else's lips. Teeth bared.
Friends (for c.e.)
I was supposed to wash the dishes
what did i expect from the tunnel-visioned girl?
maybe i missed the whole point. we think differently.
it makes us human
and loveable.
or maybe it makes us able to be wrong and still loved.
we think differently.
i didn't wash the dishes.
she sees the goal and attains it.
whereas i see the path to the goal and make my way in the most self-righteous way possible.
and i think God is the ony one entitled to self-righteousness.
because he sent down his son.
so i'm just as wrong in a different way.
and i didn't even was the dishes.
maybe it was my own sense of entitlement.
one man, two women, same man, two sets of lips, two servings of bosom, one set of hands.
and with them he chose her.
but i presented myself in one way and she in another.
but why, friend, did you capitalize on my self-worthlessness?
why is it okay with you?
here is the seed:
if i love my sister, i will not allow her to belittle herself in any way. not as long as i can reach out my arms and hold her close instead of her forcing her way into his undeserving arms.
not as long as i can reach out and smooth down her hair, hide her brastrap, wipe her tears.
friend, i may have missed out on the rules of friendship.
but i know too well the rules of engagement for a sister.
i was misunderstood
and i have misunderstood you and misplaced you
but now, friend, i know you very well
and sister you may never be, but friend til eternity
I was supposed to wash the dishes
what did i expect from the tunnel-visioned girl?
maybe i missed the whole point. we think differently.
it makes us human
and loveable.
or maybe it makes us able to be wrong and still loved.
we think differently.
i didn't wash the dishes.
she sees the goal and attains it.
whereas i see the path to the goal and make my way in the most self-righteous way possible.
and i think God is the ony one entitled to self-righteousness.
because he sent down his son.
so i'm just as wrong in a different way.
and i didn't even was the dishes.
maybe it was my own sense of entitlement.
one man, two women, same man, two sets of lips, two servings of bosom, one set of hands.
and with them he chose her.
but i presented myself in one way and she in another.
but why, friend, did you capitalize on my self-worthlessness?
why is it okay with you?
here is the seed:
if i love my sister, i will not allow her to belittle herself in any way. not as long as i can reach out my arms and hold her close instead of her forcing her way into his undeserving arms.
not as long as i can reach out and smooth down her hair, hide her brastrap, wipe her tears.
friend, i may have missed out on the rules of friendship.
but i know too well the rules of engagement for a sister.
i was misunderstood
and i have misunderstood you and misplaced you
but now, friend, i know you very well
and sister you may never be, but friend til eternity
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
