what is this thing called/that makes me feel so tall/like i've gone to battle and conquered all/like...

when i'm driven to a reckless smile on the train
and everbody thinks i'm insane
your name popping up on my phone
somehow knowing you won't just leave me alone
a soft kiss on my shoulder blade
that sunny smile stuck in your face
your hand on my back--our mixed skin tones
a praise sent up to God for giving you to me on loan

i remember you on dayz like this
when i cd feel the rain before it touched my skin
when it was warm outside, warm within

i remember you on a day like this
when i wd come to you all overwhelmed
and you would give me open ears
and your bright wide smile
so before i cd even start to tell you my trouble
it wd already be gone and forgotten

i remember you on dayz like this
because even though we never said it--we never had to
i knew if i wanted to run away
you wd come with me

i remember seeing you and already knowing you
before i knew

i remember having words to say
and i remember when they fell from my mouth
you caught them in your open hands
and held them close
all the while crafting them into something
more beautiful that what i really said

i remember you
your brown skin and silent moments

i remember the wish in your eyes
of achieving the dreams you dared give birth and life

i remember you on dayz like this

love to remember it was you i loved
sometimes wonder who you
are
but
i remember you
on a day like this

i remember

when you left you lied
put my fears to use
helped me learn to cry
never told me why
never dried my eyes
don't know why but i
still care, still want you
to be somewhere
i can reach you, can touch you
nobody understands
how i can still love you
but i do

all i really wanted was some positive attention, good conversation, quality time, consistency
all the things i say i want you're giving to me
it's a surprise and blessing
these gifts, these memories
you bring me smiles that'll last a while
for real, you make me want to sing

written 6.12.07; 10:57am
i am the sun
i am a beautiful ray of light
i am rich
i am full
i am powerful
i am protected
i was put here for a purpose
i am loved and will be treasured and remembered
forever

you've got a smile stuck in your face
something so sweet can't be erased
(it) makes me lose my mind, leaving useless things behind
just a little thank you for my sunshine

at the swaddling age of twenty four
thirty eight men came knocking at my door

I write so as to simulate the potential of speaking out loud. I have silenced myself with words and hands and ink. What I love to do is less a passion and more an escape from the prison I’ve closed myself into.
When I fail myself and say not the words that come to mind in out loud moments, I sit down and write instead.
This is a freedom I exercise freely. Speech is too, but something reaches up and chokes my voice off from speaking my mind. And this is so far from who I am—this quiet unspoken thought. It comes from something like fear, but I haven’t been able to figure out what I fear.
I think a couple of the fears are of hurting someone else’s feelings and of remaining alone. A friend told me one time not to be afraid of losing something I don’t have. Good advice, but spoken by a man with a lady-friend.
Wisdom, I think, comes easy to those with tools of comfort in hand.
All the same, I am in hopes of losing this silence thing soon and very soon.

Prayers welcome.

This weekend talking to a friend he sounded bruised as he wondered out loud why I hadn’t sent him any myspace messages or called him recently. I was unmoved.

I thought to myself (without saying out loud) maybe it’s because I’m without the ability to feel right now. Maybe it’s because you were supposed to come over and didn’t, and didn’t call, and I wondered why you didn’t respond to me when I wanted to be answered.

And this is where I’m coming from today. Addressing my need to be answered, and responded to. Is that more than anyone can do right now? Is this life not one that can be stopped for just a moment here and there to pay attention to something as important as I hope I am?

rt9

do have the privilege of calling you whenever i want to?
for whatever i want to?

you say
you're easy
and i've been told i'm complex
but i know i'm not all that difficult to get
and what i can see already
and clear as day
is that what i need
might outweigh what you're offering up for sale
and i'm not buying

so we may have what people like to call
a conflict of interests
and perhaps
we'll be better off
as friends

rt8

Thursday evening cold and something is falling apart

meet-er

if you can catch a girl
several feet away
with your right eye
and keep her from lying and eating McDonald's fries
with just the goodness of your being
you are 9.75 on a scale of 10

if you can smile and draw water from a well that's been dry for years, you have exceeded the limits of this meter

you cannot be contained

if you can return warmth to a woman grown so accustomed to the cold she quivers at the sight of an icepick

if you can hold her close having heard the unsteady beat of her heart and still fell in love with her rhythm

if you are conscious and capable of love without confines

if your name is. . .
and your voice belongs to the sea whose depth has brought miracles to light

the the extent of you can go just as far as you want it to go

what is this feeling you give me?

this path i'm walking away from my past and closer to freedom
the slip and fall of it all is enticing
the icing on my cake
or cookie
if you're really sweet

what is this that you do?
taking me away from the lies i tell
the denial

i think i'm in love

you could make me cry
maybe a little sad because i can't keep you forever
trapped, safe, and unfree
but really
i don't want your freedom
not to steal away
just to borrow
to keep you close
in cold times
i just don't want to know i'm sharing you
but i want the truth
and then i want you to hold me

mind adventures

we live most of our lives in fantasy
much more than in reality

that's what dreams are made for